11 Things Patriots Can Do To Prepare For An Exam (Besides Studying)

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Hell week begins next week, Patriots. You skipped a lot of class. You want to study so badly, but this professor doesn’t use the textbook, and your notes are just drawings of cubes you never got quite right. Obviously, you have no friends in that class to ask for help from because people are scary and they probably would have been mean to you anyway. You’re in a tough spot. However, there are things you can do besides studying to help you on that exam.

11.) Practice:

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Take a practice exam with an extremely heavy pencil. The real exam will feel like a breeze with your regular weighted pencil that you buy last minute from the JC.

10.) Be Confident:

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Read the question carefully. Then before you write anything, let out a hardy tennis grunt to put some power behind your answers. If you’re not happy with your grunt game, check out a Mason Tennis game!

9.) No Talking:

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Remember, at Mason there’s no talking allowed during an exam, except for the word “diversity.” Obviously, you are allowed to say “diversity.”

8.) Educated Guess:

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If you feel like you can’t choose between A or B, please don’t pick C or D. Be an adult, you know there’s no way C or D can win and this is no time for a protest answer. A pick for C or D is really a pick for B. Look, none of us are thrilled with A, but B will set this exam back 40 years.

7.) Be Personal:

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Staple your baby picture to every question you think you may have missed. Students lose points all the time because their professor has no idea what a precious little angel they are. Show them the adorable Patriot you’ve always been right from when you left the womb.

6.) Ask for Help:

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Prepare a sacrifice and say the satanic incantation “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.” Hopefully your offering will be enough and Satan will send you an agent from the fiery pits of Hell, like in the commercials. Beware though, any help they give, you will be paying back tenfold.

5.) Relax:

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Pregame at home before the exam. Everybody forgets about this, but they do not sell alcohol at the exam. It’s GMU policy. Nobody wants to be the one sober guy at the exam.

4.) Compartmentalize:

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If the exam is too long or overwhelming, complete in smaller sections. Take a pair of scissors and cut the exam into pieces about the size of an Oreo. You should find it much more manageable.

3.) Exam Location:

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If you’re taking an exam in Krug Hall, try to keep the sweat dripping off your face confined to the first page. Most teachers dislike soggy essays.

2.) Write your name:

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Studies show that people favor attractive people more than non-attractive people. So, don’t leave points on the table, make sure to write “handsome” before your name.

1.) Come Prepared:

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Buy all the scantrons from the book store. Sell the scantrons to the saps in your class. What exam? You just made a million dollars.

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Use these tips and you’ll ace that exam! Good Luck!