We’re all hitting that end of the semester grind and realizing that we’ve been fucked since midterms. But have no fear, just follow these seven steps and you’ll have a real chance at getting that “well-deserved” A.
Step 1: Get on a Bus and Actually Go to Class You Lazy Shit:
If you have to look at your schedule to see which room your class is in, you need to get your shit together. While you’re on the bus do all the research you can on your professor and be ready to win them over. Preferably don’t go to class with a hangover or drunk. If you’re high, then it’ll be fine.
Step 2: Make Eye Contact With Your Professor:
This is one of the harder steps, especially in a big lecture hall. Once you make eye contact, quickly wink and lick your lips so he/she knows that you’re really passionate about Russian Literature.
Step 3: Stay After Class:
We know that as soon the class is over, you want to run out with all the other shitty students but stay and be the OVERACHIEVER. Make up for all the effort you should’ve been putting in weeks ago with an extra smile. The best part is, you’ll miss bus rush hour so you’ll be able to get a seat on the bus when it arrives in 42 minutes.
Step 4: Talk Up Your Research:
Ask your professor how their vacation to Puerto Rico in 2013 went, and inquire about whether or not their grandma is still alive. Talk about how little money they make as an adjunct professor, and ask how they can even afford a vacation. Professors love students who do their research. They will be so in awe that their jaw might drop. This is where the next step is key.
Step 5: Feeding Time:
This has to be executed quickly and swiftly. Slip your hand into their mouth and say that they have something in their teeth. Now you’ve broken the physical barrier, it’s time to break the Sakai barrier (if Sakai isn’t already broken. In that case, you’re fucked). Refuse to remove your hand until your professor logs into their Sakai page where the grades are. You have them trapped and you’re ready for the next move.
Step 6: Go In for the Kill:
Finally, you can start talking grades. Tell them how you’re failing and you need extra credit, but can’t do extra credit. Being honest is what professors love the most! Demand (nicely) that they give you an A.
Step 7: Seal the Deal:
Before you make your dramatic exit, slip a $20 in their pocket. Make it super noticeable and seductive. Start humming, and slowly caress their pocket then penetrate it with a $20. Note: if you don’t have a $20, a handful of quarters works just the same.
Seven simple steps to getting an A in your class. If this doesn’t work, then it was user-error and you should try again until it works. This is tested and approved!
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