An Open Letter to the George Mason Lawnmowers
Everyone knows that the best way to get something done around here is through an open letter. Let’s be real here, open letters get legislature passed, things changed, and of course everything out there and in the open. So, we have crafted a letter to the Mason Lawnmowers, the group of people that are the equivalent to the demonic beings known as “morning people.”
Dear Mason Lawnmowers,
We would like to begin this letter as most open letters do, with something sappy that keeps readers interested in this so they don’t click open another tab. Mason Lawnmowers, grass cutters, dream crushers, whatever you want to call them, we want to say thank you for all the hard work that you all do on a regular basis. Without you, we wouldn’t have woken up at 7:00 a.m. to the lovely sound of shitty lawnmowers crushing the leaves, which we honestly think is the whole reason why fall is a thing.
Without Mason Lawnmowers, the hangovers would be so much easier, but they make us never want to drink again. However, part of us must commend George Mason’s Environmental Science program for making such potent soil that lets the grass grow every day overnight, because the lawnmowers are cutting the grass every freaking morning!
Our amazement for the people cutting the grass has soared to new levels. If we could ever sleep, we would dream about these workers getting a vacation because we honestly believe they work too much. But honestly, we have to thank Mason, for allowing the lawnmowers to do their job so early when we specifically try to avoid 7 a.m. classes.
Thank you Mason, and thank you Mason Lawnmowers. Without you we wouldn’t sleep a wink. Thanks to you, we dream about going home for break, which is so far away, and so short, compared to every other school.
We do, however, have a suggestion that we would like to offer to the Mason Lawnmowers. Instead of using a lawnmower to cut the grass, perhaps use something that has a more permanent effect so that way the grass doesn’t grow as much. We know that this may upset George Mason’s Environmental Science department, but by dosing the grass with gasoline we could perhaps stop the grass from growing at such a quick rate. This would in turn stop the grass from growing, and it would allow Mason to no longer need to use lawnmowers, saving everyone so much money, time, sleep, and general hope in life.
Or Mason Lawnmowers can hand cut the grass with a blade.
Some sad sheep who just want some sleep.