5 UGA Related New Years Resolutions You’ll Go Back on by January 6th

author-pic at University of Georgia  

Let’s face it, in a town as boozy and full of sin as Athens, it’s not likely you’ll stick to even your most half- assed of New Years’ resolutions. Fresh off a stressful fall semester and back from a break you probably spent watering down your parents’ top-notch liquor cabinets, you’re not exactly poised to better yourself this semester. Add #newyearnewme to all of your tweets and try as you might, there’s just no way you’re on the path to self-improvement. Here are 5 UGA related New Years’ resolutions we know you won’t be able to keep. 

5.) Hitting the Healthy Line on the 1st Floor of Bolton:
Even though UGA purportedly has some of the finest college dining options in the country, no number of awards and prizes can dress up the fact that anything in the healthy line at Bolton is nothing more than a genetically modified dog turd with a gluten free label slapped onto it. Celiac shmeliac, we’d rather sit on the toilet in a gluten-induced coma from eating Canes than force feed ourselves that health nut crap. 

4.) Trying a Class at Ramsey:
This, like all other New Years’ resolutions, may at first seem like a good idea, but in actuality is about as useless as that e-book your professor suggested everyone download on the first day. No, it’s not required, but it will really enrich your experience! Well, we’re calling BS. And we’re preemptively boycotting working out this year before that bitch at $1 abs can show us up again.

3.) Ordering Vodka Waters DT:
We’ve all seen it: that girl who walks into City, orders a vodka water, and then proceeds to pull a Mio bottle out of her ass and dump its contents into the concoction until it looks like some kind of janky white girl spiked Kool-Aid. She’s cutting calories, though! Let’s just cut to the chase, that ratchet adult Gatorade is going to satisfy you for about 4.2 seconds before you chuck it in the trash and yell for a whiskey Coke. Drinking your calories is for winners, anyway.

2.) Having Patience With that one Kid in Your Women’s Studies Class:
You were probably actually excited about taking this class before that one kid in the corner screeched for 45 out of every 50-minute class period about contemporary American gender politics robbing women of their bodily autonomy. A salient point, sure, the first time. But after a few short weeks of this pseudo-intellectual psychobabble, you’ll have ditched patience in favor of full throttle passive aggression in the form of side-eyeing and aisle-tripping.

1.) Actually Attending a Lecture Series Event:
No one’s arguing with you, learning more about the transmission patterns of Ebola or listening to some gender confused West-Athenian read poetry both sound like a lot of fun! But every time you try to carve out some time to attend an on-campus event, something, somehow, magically comes up. And by that we mean you go home to your apartment after class, take a 7-hour nap, binge 5 episodes of Shameless and snap out of your Netflix coma just in time to realize you missed the lecture. Don’t even try.

Well there you have it, Spring semester Dawgs, We here at The Black Sheep are cutting the bullshit this semester entirely. So order those feta fries at The Grille and skip that Bodypump sesh you told your accountability partner you’d go to. Those Georgia New Years’ Resolutions are swirling down the toilet faster than you can say, “No more Boars Mondays!”