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How to Tell Your Roommate That Your Dog Shit on his Laptop

So, you bought a puppy a few weeks ago and now he’s pooping on your roommate Sam’s laptop and his favorite cowboy boots. You later saw Sam practicing his punting technique in front of the mirror. You aren’t sure what this means, but you don’t want anything bad to happen to your favorite doggo so here’s how to tell your roommate that your dog’s kind of an asshole. 

“I can’t train him to sit, how am I supposed to train him where to shit.”
You adopted your pup three weeks ago and spent two whole hours training him with no success! Spike took a shit on your roommate’s Pink Floyd vinyl and even tho you asked him not to do it again, he well, did it anyway. Your roommates just don’t understand how hard this dog is to train.  

“Listen, I hardly have time for restrooms myself.”
How in the actual hell are you supposed to train a dog? Between your job at Petsmart and earning your applied animal behavior degree, you hardly have time to sit down and take a shit yourself. Just remember that when you come stumbling through the door one Saturday night and fall onto a stinking, sopping wet, mattress, that it isn’t your fault you’re busy.

“My dog has the right to shit where he wants and be who he wants to be, Sam.
Your dog has a special personality and you’re afraid that training him might deteriorate it. You like a dog that is a little rambunctious and energetic, so you don’t sweat the small stuff and let him do his thing. Besides, yelling at him when he shits on stuff might hurt his feelings.

“I didn’t know I would have to train the little shit.
No one told you that you would have to train the fucke– uhhh, dog. You just wanted a little fuzzy dude that you could get high with. No one told you that it would need to be taken care of. You were mortified when the little guy chewed the leg off of the couch in the living room. Why didn’t anyone tell you that owning a dog was a responsibility? If your roommate cares about you, they’ll sympathize.

“You guys are dicks, Spike’s just shitting in your shoes to remind you of that.”
Next time your dog goes for a dumpster dive in the closet, remind your roommates that they just need to like, chill out and go with the flow. Part of being a roommate is letting some things slide. They’re the ones who got upset, not you. Remind them that this is their problem and their fault.

“Oh, yeah you’re right, he shouldn’t be pooping in the house. I’ll sign him up for classes.”
And then don’t, lol.

Now that you know a few top tier excuses to get away with having an untrained dog, you’re free to relax a little. You’re well on your way to being a good dog owner; good enough to maybe consider adopting a few more. 

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