The ecstasy that is the Coachella lineup, the drug of choice for many a hipster and white girl alike, may be in short supply this year as yet another headliner backs out. Another one biting the dust.
Lady Gaga, reportedly, is abandoning the infamous two weekend bacchanalia due to a severe aversion to flower crowns, fringe, and acai bowls, a combo which onsets chronic diarrhea for the singer. A statement from Gaga has yet to be made. When we reached out to Gaga for comment, we could only hear, “Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro,” blaring through the phone.
Unsure who this mysterious “Alejandro” character is, the police are currently investigating. Possibly a past, Bad Romance? Who’s to say? But, as of now the only explanation our sources have conjured up is that she was Born This Way.
In lieu of the recent events, Coachella’s marketing team has rebranded the festival with the slogan, “Make Coachella Not For Basic-ass-bitches Again.” The festival has decided to defy the mainstream by hiring an up and coming, talented, Athens native.
The Black Sheep scored an interview with Philip Anschutz, the Coachella overlord, “Now, that the two most mainstream boobs are weeded out, we want to go in an entirely different direction. We are thrilled to announce our new, totally undiscovered headliner, The Bolton DJ.”
After years of unrecognized talent, the Bolton DJ is receiving recognition that is long overdue. Playing hit after hit, from Tom Petty to Migos, the Bolton DJ incites the power of song in all who enter its hallowed halls.
The Bolton DJ, a faceless name, refuses any form of interview in order to preserve his Banksy-esque profile. This Bolton Icon (possibly the second most influential after The Bolton Creeper) provides students with a reason to sit in this dining hall, nay institution, for hours upon hours, shamelessly wasting their lives. Experts conclude this is the only possible explanation since it is certainly not for the food.
We interviewed Brax Gordon, a current student at UGA and ten-time Coachella goer. Gordon states, “For the past few years, Coach’ was all about the biggest and baddest names, man. I wanna ward off posers who only go for the instabook or facegram, or whatever. I like unknown artists because it brings everyone back to their roots, the roots of music. Take that you corporate pricks!!”
However, not everyone shares Gordon’s enthusiasm. Amanda Therro, fifth-year member of Beta Kappa Lambda majoring in Domesticity, planned on attending the festival before hearing the blasphemous news of the new, unknown headliner. “I totally wanted to see Beyonce, the light-skinned princess with the voice of an angel. When Lady Gaga replaced her, I forced my mood to follow the saying on the back of my jean jacket, Good Vibes Only. But, now that this… this nobody is headlining, I won’t even get 400 likes on my totally artsy picture of me and Kelly making a heart with our hands.”
While mixed emotions about The Bolton DJ headlining run rampant here at UGA, many students still plan to caravan cross-country this weekend on vespas, stolen from the UGA football team. In addition, a Bolton food truck will be present to support one of its own and rumored to be selling double chocolate chip cookies and General Tso’s Chicken with a slight spin: both will be laced with acid.
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