5 Excuses To Tell The Cops After You Get Arrested For Jaywalking in Athens

author-pic at University of Georgia  

The Athens Clarke-County Police Department turns a blind eye to many stunts pulled by drunk students acting a fool on Broad Street. Hurdling fences, passing back fakes, and underage drinking are child’s play in comparison to the mortal sin that is Jaywalking. Jaywalking is rumored to put people away for 25 years to life, but we don’t want this to happen to you. If you give in to Satan and commit this atrocity, here are 6 foolproof excuses to save your ass.

5.) “I saw something shiny in the street, and it would double the funds in my bank account by 100%”:
No matter what time of the year it is, it’s pretty safe to say your funds can be best defined as “insufficient.” Whether you find a quarter, nickel, or penny, you’re gonna pick that ish up and hope for good luck (aka not getting your card declined at Pauley’s). Try to avoid picking up any dimes though because keeping your boo in the laps of luxury is quite pricey.

4.) “I listened to NWA once, and they said f**k you guys”:
If they’ve seen Straight Outta Compton, they’ll know you’re not joking around. If they haven’t, then Corey Smith’s song “F**k the Po-Po” may be more conducive to the Athens area. Both are effective in asserting dominance, and the cops will definitely respect that.

3.) “I got a booty call and they needed 100 cc’s of booty, STAT”:
This can be summed up simply as a medical emergency, which should be understandable to the cops, supposed professionals. You needed to get from point A to point B ASAP, and as the crow flies, bypassing any obstacles (streetlights, crosswalks, sidewalks, etc.) is essential. Maybe they’ll even offer you a ride.

2.) “I heard The Grille was giving away free feta fries”:
If they’ve ever tasted them, they’ll let you go on the spot. But if not, they may need more convincing. Invite them to enjoy the bliss with you, and if their socks are not blown off immediately after the first bite, then they can bring you to the big house. You should be let go by the first inhale of The Grille’s masterpiece, but if not, at least you had a good last meal.

1.) “I wanted to get hit”:
Stop getting in the way, would ya? I got literally 99 problems (all due tomorrow), and I don’t need your so-called “help.”

To just about every student, jaywalking is a yuuuge no-no. But if you had a small lapse of judgement, we hope you are now well equipped with an excuse to fit your situation. And, you’re welcome.