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Falcons Super Bowl Loss Causes Mass Returns To Athens Dick’s Sporting Goods


The Atlanta Falcons suffered a gut-wrenching loss to the assholes up North in a Super Bowl matchup that will sting Georgians for decades to come.


“Once the Falcons blew that 25-point lead, I knew it was time to part ways with my Matty Ice jersey I had just bought earlier that day. I mean, I’ve been a lifelong fan, but $60 bucks is $60 bucks,” said UGA freshman Chet Morris. “Lots of people were returning their stuff. It would be shameful to remind people of the Super Bowl loss by wearing anything Falcons related.”


The Dick’s Sporting Goods on the Oconee Connector has never seen so much popularity at such a tragic time for the state of Georgia.


“We’re experiencing huge losses by accepting these returns. I really regret implementing the crying-stain insurance return policy on Falcons apparel,” stated Dick’s Sporting Goods manager, Jerry Sanchez. “The truth is, we may even have to bankrupt the company entirely due to the Falcons losing last night; how was I supposed to know we would have blown a 25-point lead?”


With the Falcons losing out in overtime to the Pats, comes a trail of tears that represents the irreparable feeling of pain that comes with being an Atlanta sports fan. At this point, hope for success in Georgia sports is about as existent as Bill Belichick’s soul.


“I just can’t handle all of the heartbreak,” said UGA junior Hannah Spankins. “We were up 25-points and my boyfriend said he would propose if the Falcons won. Now I have to return my Falcons flat bill hat, and I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”


After the Falcons loss, Dick’s Sporting Goods on the Oconee Connector has been nationally recognized for being, “The Saddest Place In The United States,” beating out the Georgia Dome and the White House.


“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a fan. I just can’t handle being on the losing side,” stated Morris. “If the Falcons had won, I wouldn’t be returning my jersey; I would be wearing it everyday like the fair-weather fan I am.”


This historic loss will stick around like dog shit on your shoe, but at least it didn’t put your company out of business.


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