Michael Yuengling, rising Sophomore and member of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity, returned home for the summer with more than just his accounting notes and a molding comforter. Yuengling returned with a blueprint for home improvements to make his residence feel more like his real home, the AΣΣ house in Athens.
Early this morning, first responders arrived to the Yuengling home after a call of distress from Michael’s mother, Melissa.
“It’s been three months since he came home. He’s been hazing his little brother and calling my husband Frat Daddy and only allowing us to drink Natural Light beer through a funnel or keg stand,” she said. “I know it sounds silly that I’m his mom and can’t do anything to stop these shenanigans, but he threatens us with the AΣΣ paddle.”
“The abuse doesn’t stop there,” confessed Mrs. Yuengling. “Last week, Michael named the dinner party that my husband and I were hosting ‘Business Bros and Stay-at-Home hoes.’ He then proceeded to invite my entire Bunco group to his room to take shots with him. Since then, Christie and her husband are no longer on speaking terms.”
Brent, Michael’s younger brother, complained about the hostile environment Michael created in the house. “He constantly makes me go for cigarette and dip runs at absurd hours of the morning and night, drive him to bars, and do odd core exercises that involve my elbows way too much… I wanted to go to UGA and follow in my brother’s footsteps, but screw the dawgs. I’m going to Tech now.”
As a former member of AΣΣ, Walter Yuengling does not deem his eldest son’s behavior “horrifically disappointing” like the rest of the family.
“Yeah, I think it’s pretty cool what Michael’s doing. It brings me back. Oh, boy does it,” he said. “I wanna take the time to encourage my ‘family’ to gently remove the stick out of their AΣΣ’s and freaking open some cold ones with the bros. GO DAWGS, baby! Woof woof!”
Experts conclude Michael’s behavior is the result of alcoholism, drug abuse, and stupidity, while Michael has another explanation.
“Since the first day I got home, I realized this isn’t Athens, you know. This isn’t my real home with my real family, my Alph dub Sig brothers,” Michael stated with watering eyes. “I’d carry any of those guys down Broad after a wild night at Bourbon. But these chumps on the other hand, ha! They couldn’t last one day of hell week. No respect.”
Michael’s mother, and the moms he rates on their morning jogs, are readily awaiting his pilgrimage back to Athens. The Black Sheep wishes you safe travels, Michael.