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Here’s A List Of 10 Things UGA Students Demand From The Newly Elected SGA

Every year, the student body cares about SGA for a week, if that. We hear them blaring music over each other around Tate as they pass out flyers, promoting their radical plans for change in the upcoming school year. “Woah, is that another video with drone shots over the school and a replay of the Rose Bowl? Fascinating,” we all thought as we sifted through the campaign videos on Facebook. Believe it or not, we think SGA will Deliver in more than One way this year, and now, here’s what we want:

10.) Emancipate the Service Dawgs:
If all dawgs were created equally in the image and likeness of doG (whoops, we meant God), then why restrain our furry counterparts with leashes and primal vests? All dawg lives matter.

9.) Flatten out the campus’s terrain:
What do we want? No more hills! When do we want it? Like, the day we were accepted. Yeah, we’re going to need you to bulldoze those hills AFATB (translation: as fast as the Terry buildings).

8.) Make Aderhold Great Again (or for the first time):
Why are the high rises “cool”? Besides the Brumby butt, nothing comes to mind. Aderhold is not only boujee, but also houses the smartest brains UGA has to offer. If Aderhold is the future “it” dorm, long gone are the days when you have to teach your romantic conquest how to use a condom. (And, yes, there are other uses for condoms than blowing them up outside of their truck’s window.)

7.) Turn the million dollar stairs into a billion dollar escalator:
Don’t call yourself a “progressive university” if you’re still using technology from the Stone Age. We’ve moved on to the Stoned Age, and if you think students have enough energy to climb those stairs, think again. We barely climb out of bed.

6.) More comfortable toilet paper:
How the hell do you expect us to hike said 3 flights of stairs in the daunting sun if we’re chafing? End the chafing epidemic of 2018, a change we can all believe in.

5.) Put the entitled-student-pedestrians at the Park intersection in their place:
What makes you think you can run in front of a car when the walk sign is NOT on for all crossings? If you piece of shit kids keep this behavior up, SGA will have no choice but to add another animated crosswalk system. For the sake of all our sanity, please, just stop crossing when you’re not supposed to.

4.) Build a wall between UGA and UNG:
We’re gonna build a wall, and UNG is gonna pay for it. It’s gonna be yuuuuge. After all, they need to stop stealing UGA students’ jobs.

3.) Change the UGA fight song to “Rack City”:
I just checked, and nowhere in the SGA constitution says we can’t do this. Higher attendance at the football games, crowd involvement, and an overall boost in school spirit are just some of the benefits of this very doable change. So, what’s stopping us?

2.) Make Paw Points the city-wide currency:
Now, the University of Georgia, then, Athens, and eventually, the world! At this establishment, we’re taught to make the world our bitch. USD is at an all time low (probably), so Paw Points would be a lavish alternative for the fine city of Athens.

1.) Repeal the Conceal/Carry Legislation on Campus:
No, yeah, this one isn’t a joke.

Look, we’re happy for you and all, Believe, but these are non-negotiable. We’ll let you sleep on them and get back to us in 2-4 business days.

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