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Here’s The List of Services UGA CAPS Offers As Post-SB Counsel

Congratulations, your body has survived a UGA spring break! You’ve probably gone through many trials and tribulations over the course of the last week, and the University of Georgia is acknowledging this by offering help to get through that post-SB trauma by offering special counseling on many subjects including (but not limited to):

11.) The tragic pink eye from the butt luge:
You may have thought it was a good idea to drink that Bud Light outta that hot blonde’s ass crack when you were drunk, but it was not a good idea. It was not at all. You look like a rookie, turning #asseatinszn into #pinkeyeszn.

10.) All the shacker shirts stolen:
You arrived with 14 shirts and left with 3. Sure, 10 out of the 14 were from the UGA housing fair, but still…

9.) Being personally victimized by tequila:
Retweet if you gagged just by reading the word “tequila.” But don’t lie to yourself. Your bitchass will still drink one later this weekend at Fuzzy’s.

8.) Somehow you managed to lose a whole ass tooth:
There are two types of spring break people: those who lose their keys and wallet and those who lose body parts. The person with the missing tooth is definitely the most fun, but also probably has more issues than the random roommate you got paired with freshman year in Creswell.

7.) The Australian mistake:
Initially, the accent was all he needed to win over your drunken heart. Even though ELC now requires two forms of different login, everything was right basically right in the world. Sadly, the accent wasn’t enough to fix the fact that his dick was 3 inches max, and now he won’t stop messaging you on WhatsApp, trying to get you to come to the land down under (and he does not mean Australia).

6.) You may or may not have an STD:
It’s either a rash from not showering for a week or that beach hoe was lyin’ when she said she was STD free after you banged in the McDonald’s bathroom.

5.) Texted your ex:
You made it successfully through Valentine’s Day without crashing through their living room asking why they don’t love you only to slide right back into that fuckers DM’s. Blame Becky. You were fine till she decided to play Sam Smith after a round of shots.

4.) Your body is in shambles:
Before SB,  your body was the temple: visiting Ramsey daily, drinking water, and ignoring the chocolate chip cookies in Bolton. Only to consume at least 12 pizzas and 637oz of beer over the break.

3.) Your bank account is -$241.69:
Apparently, the bars in Miami don’t take Paw Points OR Bulldog Bucks.

2.) You can no longer use germ-x because it smells too much like vodka:
Vodka is the devil’s drink: change my mind.

1.) You agreed to anal for the first time because it was SB, and you were feeling wild:
Who knew there was supposed to be prep beforehand?

As a student body, we stand together against the post-SB trauma. We will support our fellow dawgs through this trying time and get fucked up again once again this weekend while hailing our mo’fuking dawgs.

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