Only a few short months after UGA unveiled an Iris Camera System for entry into campus dining halls and the Ramsey Student Center, the eye scanners have been replaced by the next advancement in student body student body recognition technology, the Nipple Identification Protocol System, or NIPS.
These new nipple scanners aim to make the process as efficient as possible, requiring students only to raise their shirts and expose their nipples to access UGA’s facilities.
While eye scanners had only just begun to take prominence on campus, Director of Student Belittlement Mike Idsucks noted eye scanners as “too fun” for students to have.
“Despite their accuracy, our feedback noted the eye scanners made too many students feel like a secret agent in a spy movie, an experience too delightful for us as educators to allow to continue,” said Idsucks. “No part of school should be fun for students; that’s why we think the new nipple scanners will be far more humiliating. It’s an excellent power play on our part. For the record, I hate the youth.”
The motive behind this change aside, the software of NIPS aims to provide a faster, more accurate, and more convenient approach to entering campus facilities, as well. Upon approaching the new system, students will enter a chest-high cubicle in which the automated system will extend its patented robotic hands which will calmly remove unnecessary articles of clothing and lightly rub it’s recognition-enabled digits on a user’s nipples to determine identification, a process that could take anywhere from 5 seconds to 20 minutes depending on mood of device, nipple rigidity, as well as the robot’s ability to properly locate the nipple in the first place.
“The system is very safe and very accurate on users’ nipples,” said Ramsey Technician I. Teeghai, “yet for reasons we’re not yet sure of, the system makes a more accurate read in winter, or any other periods of reported coldness in users.”
In addition to the new process, the new device’s security measurements surpass that of it’s predecessors. “Seldom known to the public, the nipple print is just as unique an identifier as any other configuration on the body, from the fingerprint to the bounce factor of the badonkadonk,” said Medical Examiner Dr. Vere E. Touchee.
The design of the nipple scanner eliminates the use of contact with students’ hands, creating a more hygienic method for entry and leaving hands free to snap a selfie or shield the eyes of the gawking freshman behind them.
“It’s very straightforward, however if you are in need of assistance, professionals such as just me and only me are on standby to offer hands-on help,” said Dr. Touchee.
From the student perspective, the response to these new scanners has been surprisingly receptive. Human rights activist and president of UGA’s Free the Nipple chapter, junior photography major Diamond Chest said, “I think these new nipple scanners are a great way for students to embrace their nonconformity. Next time you walk into Bolton and sit down alone to eat your grilled cheese on white with American cheese only and watch The Office on your laptop, declare aloud, ‘I am different!’”
For heightened security, plans for future body scanners to be implemented across UGA’s campus include tailbone scanners in the Department of Veterinary Medicine, a wenis scanner in the linguistics building, and warm coffee breath scanners in MLC Jittery Joe’s.