The New Year’s Resolutions of Georgia Mascots
UGA’s full of some real go-getters; motivated students who are both self-aware and insecure enough to draft an annual list of things they hate about themselves, a.k.a. New Year’s Resolutions. This drive applies to all true dawgs, especially Georgia’s true dogs, our bulldog mascots Hairy Dawg, Uga X and Spike. We sat down with them in between their busy schedule of 4-sleeved jersey fittings and snacks of vitamin-stuffed-cheese slices and asked them what made the cut on their resolutions this year.
Football Mascot and All-Around Hype Man
“Grind in the gym 3 times a day, every day.”
The Dawg Man is ridiculously cut. He’s all about the fitness, with 6-pack abs (1 for every nipple) and muscles more shredded than the Mexican cheese blend on top of his morning pre-workout chili.
“Drink my weight in ounces in protein shakes daily.”
That’s dog ounces, so 7 times human ounces, of course. Plus dog protein: all bits, no kibbles.
“Have no more than 60 80(?) puppies out of wedlock this year.”
Let’s not forget that Hairy Dawg is an athlete, guys. In fact, I’m told this behavior is encouraged in the collegiate mascot community. So, good boy?
“Continue communicating only through hand gestures.”
Believe it or not, Hairy Dawg has no voice box. However, he is the current SEC charades champ 5-years running.
Que (Uga X)
Real Life Bulldog; Old Money Privilege
We had to translate, but basically:
“To not physically move more than 10 feet a day.”
Que’s team of body-petters and death-preventers work around the clock to make sure he’s fed, pampered, and – most importantly – still breathing.
“To keep looking like a pruny foot.”
Que can’t help that his face looks like a dried out back pocket leather wallet. As the saying goes, you can pick which 4th stringers you pee on, but you can’t pick your family, or your family’s history of consistent ugliness.
“To not die before the next season starts (paws crossed!).”
With all the inbreeding going on in that family lineage, the fact that he hasn’t lost a foot to gout yet is impressive enough.
“To relax and enjoy the little things.”
Sure we envy his luxurious lifestyle, but he’s literally the dawg, so let him lie around in air conditioned doghouses and cashmere football jerseys all he wants.
Basketball Mascot; Literally Full of Hot Air; Probable Registered Sex Offender
“To not blink, ever.”
Spike’s one scary sonofabitch. I mean, just like, look at the guy. With those unflinching, bulging eyes, he’s the ultimate winner in the staring contest you never agreed to.
“To make most of the halftime routine me bouncing on my head.”
That move is pure cringe. As if we needed another reason for Spike to give us the heebeegeebees.
“To consume the souls of the opposing teams.”
Oh good, looks like he’s curbed his appetite enough to stop eating the male cheerleaders. Progress, people.
“To wish my team a great season! …And in the offseason, to assume my eternal role as an unholy demon at the gates of hell.”
Welp. Honestly can’t say we’re surprised by this one. Only a spawn of the devil would hold a smile during a losing game.
So don’t tell yourself you don’t have any resolutions this New Years. Be a true dawg like our mascots and discover what you really don’t like about you. Happy New Year!