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Shit UGA Seniors Are Just Too Old For

 

There comes a time where every UGA senior must admit that their freshmen 15 has turned into the senior 65, their Herty fountain days are long behind them, and dancing on tables is now not only not cute, it’s downright tragic. Ah yes, that magical moment about midway through fall semester of your senior year when you realize you’re more invested in your Linkedin profile than all of your classes combined and most human life. There are some things, no matter how nostalgic you get, that you are unquestionably, indisputably, too fucking old for.

 

7.) Pregaming in an O-house dorm room:
We all knew someone who lived in O-house freshman year, and if you were living right, you and your 3 BFFs shared a suite and your room was hands down the party room on the 6th floor. Sure, doing a beer bong from the top of your lofted dorm bed was juicy group chat material in 2014, but now it’s time for you to get your fucking act together and stop drinking Natty Light out of a filthy tube that’s been in the back of your car since senior year of high school spring break.

 

6.) Stuffing your pockets with peanut butter cookies at Bolton:
If you say you never did this, you’re lying. And if you say the reason is that you were really more of a oatmeal raisin kinda gal in your meal plan days, you are literally spawned of Satan. Sure, there are days when you’re tired of blowing $10 and four days in the line at Tate CFA, but if you steal your little sister’s UGA ID card just to scam your way into the dining halls for one last ECV Philly Cheesesteak, you have a problem.

 

5.) Drinking any kind of bombs/fishbowls/stoplights:
Remember that one time your friend told you to try a Reverse Irish Car Bomb and you spent the rest of the night with your head in a sketchy bathroom toilet? Probably not, because chances are this was also the night you’ve repressed for many reasons. As a senior, you may be just poor enough to drink a stray Stella left on the edge of the pool table at Boars, but you can never, ever stoop to this level again.

 

4.) Knowing Bourbon’s bar specials by heart:
You might be a redneck (read: sad, decrepit 4th year) if… you still go out for t-shirt Tuesdays at 9 p.m. to hit Bourbon’s power hour with your buds. At this stage in your college career, every day is t-shirt Tuesday. You don’t have anyone to impress anymore that’s why you wore your Stewie pajama pants to Blue Sky last Friday night. Everyone you want to sleep with at this point should be able to see beyond your 5-inch wedges and Red Dress boutique romper to your true, horny desires.

 

3.) Using your desk as a stepping stool to climb into your bed in Russell:
If there isn’t an Olympic sport for lofted bed pole vaulting by 2018 then this truly is Trump’s America. Yeah, it sucked having your life flash before your eyes every time you got down to pee freshman year and your heel caught on your sweats, but it was part of the freshman experience. Now though, if you find yourself doing the limbo with the metal rod of a lofted bed, you may want to look yourself up on the local sex offender’s registry.

 

2.) Wearing a lanyard with your UGA ID attached to it:
If there was ever a single, revealing way to scream to the world that you’re freshly eighteen and are not even yet sure what “butt stuff” means, put a lanyard with your UGA ID around your neck. Because the only people who do that on the frickin planet are freshmen and that one kid in your International Affairs class whose nails are too long and never wears shoes.

 

1.) Throwing up in an MLC bathroom:
The thing about ralphing in the first floor bathrooms of the MLC is… you must. Chances are, if you’re as hungover as we think you are, there’s absolutely zero chance you’re making it upstairs to the sanctuary of the quiet floor’s deserted early a.m. stalls without throwing up all over your brand new balances. But that was okay at 18, when the passerby would see your mad dash from a lecture hall and think, “aww, little buddy just experienced his first band party.” Now it’s more like, “who is that father of 4 and why does he smell like a bottle of Tito’s and a an Eddie’s calzone just merged their assets?”

 

When it comes to becoming an old fart at UGA, the thing you never see coming is how much you’ll miss the ratchet parts of your college experience. We don’t know what’s out there waiting in the real world for you fellow seniors, but we can guarantee it’s not $2 pitchers and $10 Topper’s lap dances.

 

 

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