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6 Laws GV Students Break Only at Kirkhof

Kirkhof Center is the hub of all student activity on Grand Valley’s Allendale campus. Lakers go here to eat meals, attend meetings, and share ideas. With so much time spent there, it’s no wonder this building Is the epicenter of teenage angst and rebellion at GVSU. Here are six of the biggest laws Lakers break at Kirk.


6.) Jaywalking in front of the 50 Connector bus:

Everyone‘s been through the bus stop hell outside of Kirkhof. After you shove your way through the mob of people at the stop, you want to get to your destination as fast as possible. Lakers are notorious for jaywalking in front of moving buses while think to themselves: “hit me, make my day.” These ballsy Lakers have given up on school, life, and are looking for any excuse to get out of class, including a 10-week hospital visit.


5.) Panhandling inside of Kirkhof:

GV’s clubs use Kirkhof Center as a place to extort money out of already-poor college students. Everyone knows the headphone policy: if they have their headphones in, don’t bother them! Yet, these groups still think it’s a good idea to pester a passerby by asking them to buy an overpriced cookie, brownie, pin, etc. Under Michigan law, they’re “aggressive panhandlers” and they should be prosecuted as such.

4.) Underage drinking:

Surprise, surprise. During the winter semester at GV, students wait for the 85-weekend party bus inside of Kirkhof bringing their “Sprite” on their person. However, rumor has it that these drinks aren’t caffeinated beverages and could possibly contain liquor. Sshhhhh.


3.) Contact high between classes:

Walking through Kirkhof, there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll get a contact high of someone else’s ganja. Some Lakers decided it was a good idea to skip class to hotbox their mom’s old minivan in the commuter parking lot near the library. Now they’re walking through Kirk to buy some munchies and you can smell them from 420 feet away. They don’t have any illegal substances on them, but you know those Lakers got high as kite in the not-so-distant past.


2.) Littering:

Apathy and indifference plague Lakers when it comes to throwing their food away at Kirkhof. People leave spilled drinks and food scraps everywhere around the dining area. Other Lakers throw their pop can in the compost bin, thinking they’re helping the environment, uncaring of the fines they could be charged.


1.) Loitering:

You made the mistake of scheduling classes with an hour and a half in between. That’s not enough time to go home to take a nap, but it’s too long for a meal. Lakers stuck in interclass purgatory must wait to go to their next ring of hell. Here, students pretend to do homework on one of Kirkhof’s many tables. Really, these Lakers are looking at stupid memes and re-watching old snap stories. Wasting this much time is a crime.


Unfortunately, Kirkhof Center is the cesspool of crime in the Grand Rapids region. Petty crime runs rampant through campus and people just don’t care. Shameful, really.


Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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