So you decided Grand Valley is the place to be. The tour guide drew you in, the green grass made you think of summers up north, the students walking around you looked happy to be on campus. Now you know, or are at least beginning to see that everything on that tour was a lie and the students you saw are dying inside. Here is everything they lied to you about–better figure these things out now.
6.) Students do drugs in the underground tunnels:
College is the place to experiment and do all kinds of crazy stuff. Your tour guide might have told you about the secret tunnels underneath campus. That guide might have even said some kids go down there to smoke their weed. That’s the first lie. Go ahead, try to go down there! Expulsion is waiting for you.
5.) Those tunnels are easy to access:
Your guide may have even told you how to access these tunnels: the big brown metal things all around campus. Try and figure out how to open those things and we will personally congratulate you after your meeting with the dean and the disappointed look on T. Haas’ face when you walk off campus for good.
4.) Mary Idema Pew Library is a safe study zone:
The only part of the library you are shown are the parts where students are so clearly not studying. You’re mesmerized by the million dollar building, though, that you don’t even notice. The tour guide will mention one or two things about when the library was built and how they spend so much time in the building studying. Don’t believe them, no one here studies. Unless by “study” you mean Netflix and crying.
3.) Freshmenland is a great place to live:
Whether you’re lucky enough to live in apartment style, or you waited too long to sign up for housing so you’re stuck with traditional, you’ll hate Freshmenland. The only building you’re close to is Mackinac and only one of your classes will be in there (your bike will help until that first snowfall). The upside is you get to stay in shape all year! Unless you’re that person that takes the bus from Mackinac to Kirkhof, then you’re just lazy and need to get off your ass and get a real job.
2.) Mackinac may look confusing but you’ll get the hang of it!:
Don’t believe anyone who tells you that they can easily get from one end of Mackinac to the other without questioning where they are. If that person’s a senior, then maybe they know. But mostly, it’s a guessing game and re-reading signs over and over again.
1.) Winters aren’t that bad:
A lie that, if you’re from Michigan, you should immediately know is a lie. Some days it will be 70 in January and the next day there will be 3 feet of snow on the ground. If you believe someone who says enrolling in GVSU is still worth it despite the winter, you need to rethink your life choices.
Tour guides are told to say certain things that make people enroll, but we want prospective students to know the truth! You’ll probably get your first MIP and you’ll probably experiment with drugs, but don’t do it in the tunnels unless you want your mom to receive a letter from T. Haas expressing how disappointed he is in you.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…