Now that the fall semester has officially started, navigating campus is like weaving through the drunken crowd of a house party to find a bathroom someone isn’t throwing up in. Not only are there more people to work around, but certain annoying-ass objects around GV make it near impossible to get anywhere on time. The Black Sheep did some investigating and found seven obstacles on campus that just won’t get out of everyone’s fucking way.
Everyone knows the daily brawl that breaks out as students run each other down to get the last spot in Lot C. After all, vehicular manslaughter is more appealing than getting a ticket here at the Valley. However, there’s nothing more frustrating than lots that split student and faculty parking. Empty parking spaces just out of reach taunt students as they spend half an hour dodging oncoming and stationary cars while searching for a place to park that’s still in Ottawa County.
6.) The Grand Valley postcard:
Okay, it was cute during the summer for the campus tours, now it’s just in the way. GV should stick to setting up selfie stations with T. Haas for social media promotions. They don’t need a giant tourist-trap postcard sitting right in the middle of the path to the library! It’s a miracle no one has run right into it and gotten a broken nose. Or at least, it’s a shame no one’s caught that on video.
5.) These flower pots:
GV tries at every possible opportunity to show off its green status, but these are ridiculous. Why are there three big-ass pots of flowers sitting right in the way when there are gardens lining both sides of the path? We get it, Grand Valley loves plants. But nobody loves them when they’re right in the middle of a high-traffic area just waiting to sabotage your walk to class.
4.) The Transformational Link:
Walking under the big blue POS in one direction is fine, but walking under it the other way will doom you to failing all your exams. Which way is which again? Either way, people avoid this thing like the plague, which clogs up traffic on both sides. It’s the literal worst.
3.) The poster sale:
What may be a novelty to freshmen is nothing more than a nuisance to everyone else. They set up with the same 10 posters every year and make a profit solely from freshmen looking to decorate their beige cinder block walls. It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t set up right in the middle of the clock tower path. People don’t have time to walk all the way around the clock tower just to avoid pictures of Bob Marley!
2.) The line for the Lobby Shop:
There has to be a better system than this. When people need their Java City fix, or need to pay for their Subway, this is the only option no matter how long. What happens when people need to get into the Lobby Shop? People awkwardly shoulder-check each other and try to cut through line. And what about the innocent people just trying to get from one end of Kirkhof to the other? It’s just an endless loop of obstruction with no winners.
1.) Campus tours:
These are the bane of everyone’s existence. Campus tours are always right where you need to be: outside Fusion, by the library tunnel, and circling the clock tower. There’s no avoiding them, and if you get caught walking behind them, you can kiss punctuality goodbye. Even the most mild-mannered students contemplate murder when getting stuck behind a pack of wide-eyed high schoolers and their rich parents.
Getting around GV while dodging other students is hard enough, but now you have to circumvent these obstacles with Olympic-level dodging. If all else fails, just invest in a battering ram. Nothing will ever get in your way again!