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GVSU Adds Drunk Pedestrian Lane to Pierce Street Sidewalk

Last year, students shamed Grand Valley’s administration for the lack of a lit sidewalk on Pierce Street. Over the summer, GVSU decided to keep the construction train a rollin’ and put in a sidewalk, and while students were ecstatic with the administration’s decision, problems have already risen this year: intoxicated students still weren’t using it. Student organizations on campus have made a push to add a drunk pedestrian lane and convinced the administration to fund the addition.

Student Safety Club President, Suzan Rathers, who lobbied the administration for the new addition,  stated, “The new project will save lives! The current Pierce Street sidewalk can’t handle drunk foot traffic effectively because only sober people can see the sidewalk. Intoxicated people see a totally different sidewalk and we should accommodate all pedestrians equally.”

The construction site is in its earliest stages, but Rathers is hopeful it will be implemented early 2018.

DW Construction’s site supervisor John Davis gave us his take on the project: “We’ve been having problems finding the best route for the new lane. To help find a suitable route, we required the entire construction crew to take seven shots and walk down the street plastered. We had a designated sober person write down the results and save people from oncoming traffic. We have a viable route now and have commenced construction, though, it came at a high price.”

Turns out having people operating heavy machinery intoxicated wasn’t the best idea. Besides the high number of casualties and the illogical footpath route, Davis still encourages, “When it’s all said and done, I think the administration will appreciate the work we’re doing out here.”

The administration, however, already thinks otherwise, calling the project a “waste of time and money.” GVSU will be considering embezzlement charges to recoup funds misused on the project after DW construction charged the purchases of 32 ping pong balls, 2 folding tables, 16 fifths of Grey Goose, and a $557.59 transaction at Taco Bell to Grand Valley State’s construction account for “research purposes.”

Grand Valley’s project manager released a final statement, “You know what? Who knows if drunk students will even use the new path anyway? They’re drunk.”

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