Last year, Phil Davidson, a sophomore business student at Grand Valley State, ran for Student Senate and only received one vote, from himself. Now, Davidson is back and plans to “tear someone a new one” in the 2017 student senate elections.
Phil Davidson previously ran as Grand Valley’s reform-minded candidate. Technically, his party affiliation was alt-government: “Yeah, having a student senate is too much government in our daily lives here at Grand Valley. Last year I ran on the platform of abolishing the student senate.”
Davidson was barred from the race last year because of the liberal, hippie administration thought it “wasn’t appropriate to abolish the student senate.”
“This year I’m coming back with a vengeance,” said Davidson, “I may have toned down my rhetoric, but my message still resonates with Grand Valley students that desire change,” Phil said, “After a landslide electoral college victory…”
We mentioned there isn’t an electoral college in student senate elections.
“I’ll win the popular vote too, whatever. Either way, we must make sure hundreds of GRCC students don’t vote illegally to ensure an open and fair race.”
Phil went on to say his first move after winning will be to lead an armed coup d’état at the student services building and purge the senate of communists.
“I plan on consolidating power to one executive, me, and I will turn the student senate into a rubber stamp congress. If any member of the student senate votes against my decrees, I will have my secret police take them out Julius Caesar-style on the Senate floor.”
As supreme leader, Phil will issue a decree to outlaw transfer students from Ferris State and Saginaw Valley State as they take away on-campus housing from hardworking Grand Valley upperclassmen. He also wants to take a hard stance on crime by dedicating 98% of the fiscal budget to tripling the size of Grand Valley’s police department.
“Yea, the student senate will look unrecognizable when I’m done with it. They can harness that outsider spirit in me, as I don’t have a damn clue on how student government works since I’ve never been a part of it before. You don’t really need to know how student government works if you abolish it…it kind of seems pointless. Ya dig?”
Phil encourages students figure out how to vote for student senate so he can win and make the “big changes” Allendale needs.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.