A Grand Valley State professor was spotted celebrating an ordinary Thursday chugging pitchers last night, subsequently, he cancelled class for today. He’s known across campus as the professor who gives fewer fucks than his students.
Roger Jenkins is a finance professor at GVSU. He has been tenured for over five years and is sure to let his students know that. His RateMyProfessor review reads like confessions in a bathroom stall.
“Jenkins is such a badass. I learned nothing in his class, but I got to party with him!” one anonymous user wrote.
“Jenkins might as well teach drinking instead of finance. I swear to god I’ve spotted him at Mully’s,” another student confessed.
Jenkins takes his reputation seriously, viewing it as a type of challenge to see how little of a fuck he can possibly give in a semester. Toward finals week, he routinely outdoes himself—night, after night, after night.
On Thursday afternoon, Jenkins was spotted toting a case of Budweiser around campus, occasionally stopping to smash two cans over his head in a Stone Cold Steve Austin fashion and pouring the frothy beer down his gullet.
When chased by GVPD (and several irate squirrels), Jenkins chanted, “I’M A LAKER FOR A LIFETIME B*TCHES!” before sprinting down the street, tossing out beer cans to adoring fans.
Jenkins stopped by Main Street pub for another pitcher as part of his “warm up,” as he calls it.
“I dump rum in these bad boys! Plus, I bring my own jumbo straws!” he yelled overtop the blaring music. “And I wear an eyepatch because only pirates drink rum! ARRRGH!”
After several rounds of double fisting pitchers and spilling them mostly on the ground, Jenkins posed for some pictures with current students, forcing them to buy him shots or “fail the class, twerps!”
Jenkins concluded his night out by puking in a recycling bin and stopping by Jimmy John’s for some sustenance.
Around 4 a.m., Jenkins sent out an email to his Friday class that read:
I will nit be in claas today. I am to sick to work please read ch 13 for tuessays class
Elated students decided to celebrate cancelled class in the only way they know how: drinking.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…