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Holton-Hooker Freshman Ice-Breaker Ends in Tragedy

‘Tis the season of rules and regulations, university-sponsored underage drinking propaganda, and awkward living center ice-breakers! All ice-breakers are extremely painful, but the social gathering that took place at Holton-Hooker this week took a turn for the worse for the class of 2021. The Black Sheep investigates how a harmless game turned into a deathtrap for several students.

Welcome Week 2017 went according to plan for freshmen moving in, that is until parents left their sheltered offspring on their own. Some freshmen began to seize up during move-in and couldn’t leave the dorm bed without a 15-minute coddling session. Student life mentors swooped in and scheduled a mandatory 8 a.m. ice-breaker in the Holton-Hooker common room in hopes these poor folks would learn some actual real world social skill. 

There was an average turnout of freshmen in attendance since most believed it was mandatory, but lead mentor, Brandon Curtis, feared an end to his power trip if students discovered the events were, in fact, not mandatory at all whatsoever. “It’s then I knew I had to take swift action,” claims Curtis.

It’s noted he then calmly walked to the fire ax box, broke the glass with his fist, and proceeded to chop down dorm doors like Jack Nicholson in The Shining on a hunt for students not in attendance. After chopping down nearly all the doors on the first floor and dragging students out by their waistbands, the attendance reached a more acceptable level.

“It was terrifying,” trembled a student torn from his dorm room that morning. “But, I didn’t want to get expelled. I mean those events are mandatory.”

Bleeding and sweating profusely, Brandon announced hide-and-seek would be a great ice-breaker for the freshmen. Two students, former lovers from high school, Suzie Q. and Billy Thorton hid together. Thorton knew Q. was an excellent hider due to his experience with her at their senior prom when he could never find her.

15 minutes passed and no one found the students hiding in the storage closet. Hours passed with no word; the two freshmen thought about surrendering but remembered the people who aren’t found win a free Route 50 Bus bag, and being cheap-asses that love free stuff, they continued to hide until the mentors announced the end of the game.

“Honestly, I totally forgot about them,” states another freshman who was involved in the fatal game. “All I really cared about was going back to bed, I mean, it was like 8 in the morning.”

Days passed, their phones died, and the students grew thirsty.

“Maybe these idiots would’ve left the damn storage closet if they weren’t hallucinating on Pine-Sol!” Said Holton-Hooker custodian Kevin Smalls who found the students when he came to clean three days later.

Student Life relieved Brandon of his official duties and released a statement denying any involvement in the event despite outrage from both families. “My son starved for days, was fully dehydrated, hallucinated on bottles of Pine-sol, and is now laying in a hospital bed comatose from the chemical poisoning. And for what? A stupid ice-breaker game!” raged Mrs. Thorton.

“Honestly?” Q.’s father stated non-nonchalantly. “They’re freshmen, what did you expect?”

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