How GVSU Exam Cram is More Stressful than Finals

author-pic at Grand Valley State University  

The true test of a college student’s ability isn’t that of a cumulative microbiology exam or 12-page research paper that they’re definitely going to fail. Instead, it’s whether or not they’re able to survive finals week without letting their stress send them into a mental breakdown or a fit of homicidal rage. In order to keep the students somewhat sane, GVSU created Exam Cram, a series of events meant to take our minds off of our bleak futures. However, The Black Sheep is here to explain why these procrastination inhibitors cause more stress.

5.) Restorative yoga:

yoga

The ultimate of the cruel Exam Cram jokes’s the restorative yoga session offered to any student eager to make a fool of themselves in an attempt to relax. If you’re an accomplished yogi and can stand on your head while casually knitting a scarf, this event is your saving grace, but for the people that can’t touch their toes without pulling a muscle, this is merely another chance for endless embarrassment. You were trying to avoid studying genetics with some deep breathing and savasana, but you ended up ripping your new leggings and popping your hip out of place trying to do warrior pose. Relaxing right?

4.) Coloring & stress relief:

coloring

We all suffered through the adult coloring phase and made it out alive, but now GVSU’s  trying to force us to relive our first grade trauma all over again with supposed “coloring and stress relief” activities in the library. Apparently coloring’s meant to drain the anxiety away, but when we’re constantly jerking the colored pencils just outside the lines and ruining our perfectly designed mandalas, no amount of coloring time can keep us from tearing that pre-designed pattern in half and curling up in the corner.

3.) Chair massages:

In theory, getting a five minute free massage in the middle of a beautifully designed library sounds amazing. In practice, having a stranger dig his slightly sweaty elbows into your back for what feels like an eternity while everyone around you is staring at the weird and semi-intimate exchange taking place is just a little awkward. The massage would be exactly what you need if it didn’t hurt more than it helped and produce a prolonged feeling of stage fright.

2.) Free lunch:

Another event that sounds wonderful on paper is the free lunch provided by the GVSU Women’s Center on December 14. The words “free” and “food” are two of the most glorious words college students will ever hear, but when suddenly you don’t have to control your hunger because your budget sets your diet, you’ll come out of your food-induced blackout an hour later and with an extra 10 pounds and a lingering sensation of guilt. The kind of power a free meal has over a starving college student is too much for students to handle when their defenses have already been broken down by the stress of finals.

1.) Karaoke:

The most stressful of the events presented to students is the karaoke session from 2 to 3 p.m. on December 14 in the Women’s Center. First of all, karaoke is meant for dimly lit bars at midnight where the majority of the audience and performers are trashed, not the middle of the day with everyone fully awake and at least mostly sober. Second of all, is listening to Kyle sing his rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” 10 times really what you need to relax during finals week? For us it merely ignites an overall feeling of rage and an urge to knock Kyle on his lip synching ass.

If painful backrubs and making a fool of yourself in a yoga class are your preferred methods of relaxation, then these exam cram events are for you. However, those of us who still have an ounce of sanity left will be delicately protecting it in the fetal position with a bottle of chardonnay clutched in our anxious grasps.