Top 10 Places to Publicly Urinate at GVSU
Public urination: You’ve done it. We’ve done it. I’ve done it. Your grandmother’s definitely done it. If you haven’t, you haven’t lived, or you haven’t tried Jack Daniels Barrel Proof American Whiskey. America abides by an unwritten rule that when you gotta go, you gotta go. Sadly, our society also abides by a written rule it isn’t legal to publicly go in any of the 49 states (we at The Black Sheep do not recognize Montana as a state). We wanted to lend a urine-soaked hand in resisting this law, so here are some great locations on GV’s campus to pee and get arrested for indecent exposure!
10.) In the corner of a Mackinac Hall conference room:
Should you choose this location, see to it that all of the blinds are fully rolled up! This way, every crossing pedestrian and incoming car knows what to expect when entering our school: urinating students in the windows of publicly-funded buildings. Ah, college.
9.) Off the center of the Mini Mac Bridge:
This location allows gentleman to work on their arch game from a nice height of (we couldn’t find the height, so we took a guess) 12 feet! Ladies, sorry, unless you want to dangle off the edge while your presumably drunk friend holds your arms, you’ll have to discharge directly onto the cement. But not to worry, watching people step in your pee is significantly more gratifying than nailing that nine foot arch. Take that, men with penises!
8.) On the shores of Zumberge Pond:
We place this one on the list with great hesitance since, for those who don’t know, Zumberge Pond is actually the water supply for the entire Allendale campus. So if you pee here, you’re peeing everywhere, friend. But on the other hand, knowing your roommate could be drinking your pee is hilarious.
7.) Off the second floor of Kirkhof Center:
You’d really be doing everyone a favor here: table after table of students urging you to join their sorority, donate to their charity, and volunteer for their can drive. If anyone deserves to get peed on, it’s these students trying to enrich their community and disturb your day. Gross and rude.
6.) Inside this nonfunctioning fountain:
The university doesn’t seem to be bothered by the lack of flowing water in the fountain, so turning it Stylophorum Diphyllum yellow shouldn’t be a problem either. The exposure of your genitals while doing so is what the school may take issue with, but we’re not in the predictions business. And yes, we Wikipedia’d the shit out of that flower for reference.
5.) Off the balcony of Lake Superior Hall:
Sure, bathrooms may be down the hall, but why NOT pee from the balcony? It’s a power move, really. Earn the respect of your peers and empty your bladder all at once.
4.) In the plants of the reading garden in MIP:
This one will give you a real zoo animal feeling: four glass walls surround you with peers just on the other side, judging you, probably taking photos of you. But what the hell are they looking at? We’ve all gotta go sometime, ya bunch of rubber-neckers!
3.) In the line at Starbucks:
This photo was captured in the 15 minutes that Starbucks closes semiannually. You don’t want to leave line and have someone else steal your venti trente mocha latte foam pumpkin vanilla berry low-fat frap with full-fat whip so it’s better to pee even if others are there, otherwise, as pictured, it’s just you and Marge.
2.) At the center of the North Campus Dr. and Calder Dr. intersection:
Sometimes you have to pee exactly RIGHT NOW and you just can’t wait. If you can get a crossing guard to help you out on this one, we recommend it. If not, have a friend conduct traffic and avoid getting hit by a bus while urinating.
1.) Off the entrance arch to the University:
Ah, the crème de la crème of public urination. From atop the entrance arches, the most valiant of public pissers can sprinkle visitors, students, administrators, and professors alike with their kidney liquid. But, if you die while trying this one, neither the university nor The Black Sheep can be held legally responsible. At least you’ll be cool and urine-free!
Now, with this list in one hand, and the other unbuckling your pants, go give these public urination locations a try just to say you did.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys: