Everyone gets that email from Grand Valley to inform you that your tuition payment is due, but where does that $5,000+ really go? Does it go towards operating the school and paying the staff, or does T. Haas use the money to fund a booze cruise on Lake Michigan? A closer look at the administration’s financials reveals some interesting truths about where our money really goes…
10.) Destroying the Laker Store’s Textbook Supply:
First rule of economics: destroy surplus inventory to keep prices high. Unfortunately, Grand Valley transplanted OPEC’s economic model to the textbook business. For the last 10 years, our administration has been secretly funneling money into a secret book burning initiative code-named “Operation Screw Students.”
Every semester the administration holds their semi-annual College Algebra: Special Edition for Grand Valley State booking burning banaza. If we didn’t pay $150 for a special edition math textbook, how would we ever know the difference between an even and odd function?
9.) A Wall in Downtown Grand Rapids to Keep GRCC Students Out of Pew Campus:
Professors at Seidman business school noticed students weren’t buying the required text from the Laker Store. Private investigators uncovered a network of GRCC students smuggling pirated textbooks to Grand Valley students for a fraction of the price of the Laker Store. T. Haas announced the wall project last month, but told Grand Valley parents not to worry, as they will only be paying for part of the wall and then payments will be covered by GRCC. GVPD will also get patrol boats to prevent textbook pirates from crossing the Grand River, just in case.
8.) A Booze Cruise on Lake Michigan:
Yes, some poor Laker put a down payment on a yacht for Grand Valley’s booze cruise. However, T. Haas has quelled parents’ concerns over egregious and wasteful spending by enforcing a “bring your own booze” policy to streamline costs for the booze cruise. It’s pretty cost effective if you ask any stats or econ major.
7.) Ellipticals and Treadmills in the Recreation Center:
Well, this didn’t require a whole lot investigation. One trip to the rec center and you know the administration dropped a few mortgage payments worth of cash on ellipticals, treadmills, and more space to sweat.
6.) Ice Cream:
It’s no secret Haas loves ice cream and loves to share his love with others in Freshmanland handing out cones on move in day. T. Haas drops hella bankroll on a wide variety of artificially-flavored ice cream. Our accountants tell us that the ice cream initiative only accounts for $500 of the school’s budget so he still has plenty more to spend!
5.) Parking Lot Infraction Enforcement:
GV has armies of men and women looking to slap a ticket on your dashboard for a monetary amount slightly above a minor inconvenience for college students. Obviously, our administration buys tents and rations for the parking police to campout in the parking lots at 3 a.m. so they can enforce martial parking law. T. Haas spends your money on GVPD so they can give you tickets and cost you more money; the vicious cycle never ends.
4.) Wrecking Balls:
We know Grand Valley loves construction if you couldn’t tell by the dozen new projects within the last decade. They like knocking things down, but no one is sure if they have plans on building something as a lot of construction “sites” end up as just big holes in the ground for weeks on end.
3.) Millennials in the Workplace Training Seminars:
Haas pours a lot of money into this workplace training social program. Students learn what it’s like to work hard with the help of virtual reality goggles, which ain’t cheap. In addition, students learn that attendance and clocking in on-time is mandatory (no, you don’t get a raise for just showing up). T. Haas loves the scientific aspects of the program as well and hires astronomers and physicists to show millennials diagrams that prove the Earth revolves around a star, formally known as the sun, not a single human being. Wowzers!
2.) Fiscal Responsibility Seminars:
Grand Valley likes to troll students with these seminars. In these, accountants teach students about 401ks, stocks, and saving money: “Students get to pretend they’re not $50,000 dollars in debt for an hour, and they get to learn about saving money, if they have any money to save,” T. Haas said laughing.
1.) The Library:
Look at that thing! You know a lot of Gs went into building that fortress of knowledge. Sure people “study” there and it’s a “good resource” but are you really there enough for it to be worth the hike in tuition? Hey, at least there’s an automatic storage and retrieval system to get the books you don’t read.
No matter what T. Haas blows your money on, we all feel the Laker Debt Effect. Blowing money on frivolous and gaudy things and having no self-control is what college’s all about and T. Haas knows better than anyone.