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Top 10 Worst Things to Do With Your GVSU Email

Grand Valley State provides students access to a heavily filtered and monitored email for educational and professional purposes. As the previous sentence indicates, you should just use it for school and work, but who are we to judge? Here are 10 things you shouldn’t do with your school-provided email:

10.) Send computer virus links via email:
This should be self-explanatory, but then again, college-educated adults ate Tide Pods for likes on Facebook. Not sure why anyone would do this, but if you have the idea, just don’t. Everyone is miserable enough without your weird email virus.

9.) Contact your weed plug by email:
If you thought this is a good idea, this is probably your last semester in college. Using the same email to ask your plug if the California Ku$h is still available at $10 a G and then composing an email to a future employer about a job opening at Wells Fargo immediately after isn’t the smartest plan.

8.) Get swindled by foreign con artists:
The son of a disposed Nigerian prince doesn’t need your money to feed his men and take back the capital. His real name is Sergey and he lives in Russia. He runs a fraud email scheme. Don’t be that guy that sends your bank account information via email. And no, he will not pay you back with interest when he wins the war. He’s lying.

7.) Send pirated books to your classmates with your school email:
So you illegally downloaded your textbook? Here’s a suggestion: don’t tell anyone! Your classmates don’t need to know you committed a federal offense. Trust us on this one.

6.) ANYTHING ILLEGAL:
Think before you act. Is this activity I am about to participate in legal? If the answer is “illegal” or “partially legal” or “I don’t know,” don’t do it. If you’re going to do something illegal, don’t make it so easy for GVPD to find you.

5.) Ask your crush out on a date via email:
Yes, this is much easier than getting a phone number from a girl in class. Sure, you can easily get her email off Blackboard. Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should.

4.) Talk bad about the FBI on your laptop computer:
Mr. FBI Man is always watching you through your webcam, so don’t say anything you will regret. You can bypass FBI surveillance by entering your email in incognito mode or covering your webcam.

3.) Talk about the poor campus Wi-Fi connectivity to fellow classmates via email:
The IT Help Desk knows you’re talking trash. If they catch you talking trash about Grand Valley, the Wi-Fi, the printers, or the staplers, they’ll suspend your campus internet access for at least a week.

2.) Send downloadable attachments with anything related to Saginaw Valley:
This is worse than the first eight items combined. To be safe, make sure all your attachments don’t even have the color red in them.

1.) Enlist fellow classmates to invest in Bitcoin and join GVSU’s Cryptocurrency Club:
No Jared, no one wants to invest in shitcoin. And yes, we got the previous email with the links to CNN Money’s articles on Bitcoin. Just assume people don’t want to invest and don’t bother them. Bitcoin is the one currency less widely accepted than debit dollars.

Let it be known this is not a comprehensive list. There are numerous things you shouldn’t do with your school email. Other infractions can cause you or the people around you a great deal of hardship. If you must think about it, just don’t do it.

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