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Illinois (Chicago)

6 Explanations for University Hall’s Eternal Restoration

The restoration work on University Hall, which began in the summer of 2016, is showing no signs of ending anytime soon. Whether or not the scaffolding makes the building look better remains to be hotly debated, and the completion date of the project has become the subject of numerous underground Dragon Dollar$ gambling rings. All this interest raises the question: Why the hell is it taking so long?

6.) Lack of materials:
The restoration of University Hall is intended to restore the building’s exterior to its original condition. Extensive research done by The Black Sheep has revealed that the exterior concrete of UH looked almost as nasty when it was first built as it does today. Issues in material sourcing may have arisen due to such disgusting concrete only being produced in third-world countries.

5.) Big Red:
Rumor has it that buried deep in UIC’s 2017-2027 Implementation Plan is an idea so terrible that only UIC administration would think of it. To increase school spirit, UH will be covered in an enormous red box with some 200-foot LCD flames on them. Such an addition would explain why the restoration work is taking so long. Would this increase school spirit? No. Would it amplify the horrendousness? Yes. Does that make it more likely to actually happen? Unfortunately.

4.) Money laundering:
As anyone who watched Ozarks would know, one of the best ways to hide ill-gotten funds from the pesky IRS is with a never-ending construction project. By working at a snail’s pace, the restoration project, and with it the money cleaning operation, may be extended indefinitely. The next question: Who is behind the laundering? The Lib JUUL Dealers? The Budget-Skimming Caf Mafia? The Quad Cotton-Candy Syndicate?

3.) Structural necessitation:
The thought of University Hall performing a trust fall on BSB has crossed the minds of many UIC students. It may be the case that the scaffolding is the only thing preventing a catastrophic collapse. This eventuality has pros and some more pros. On one hand, removing the scaffolding would be like playing a 300-foot version of Jenga, which would surely make for one hell of a spectator sport. At the same time, BSB would presumably be less confusing to navigate if UH were to pancake it.

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2.) Weather:
For all we know the work should have been done by now, but it has been delayed by never-ending winter. Just walking to class sucks enough when it is 30 degrees and raining. Presumably, the degree of suck only increases when you are hanging a couple hundred feet in the air on the side of the frontrunner for Campus’ Ugliest Building.

1.) Sabotage:
In a twist more shocking than a Game of Thrones death, it may be sabotage conducted by The Black Sheep that is delaying construction. Late on Saturday nights, when absolutely no one is out on campus, employees of this very publication may be scaling the outside of University Hall to undo whatever the hell the workers did. The motivation of this crime? To create subject material for this very article that will (maybe) earn dozens of dollars.

 

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