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6 Things the UIC Basketball Team Will be Doing Instead of Playing in the NCAA Tournament

Earlier this March, UIC students were all focused on midterms while members of the basketball team were dreaming of their time playing in the NCAA tournament. After being close last year (were they? We really can’t even remember), the UIC Flames are in form for another disappointing March. While we’ll all be watching, here’s a couple of things the UIC basketball team will be up to during the madness.

6.) Enjoying home-cooked caf meals:

Ah, the perks of being a student athlete. Free campus housing and food passes galore. While other, not shitty basketball teams will be crushing workouts and staying in shape, the UIC basketball team will be at late night in the caf slamming subpar pizza and wishing they could’ve gotten that scholarship to Duke.

5.) Getting drunk:

Move over wannabe frat stars of UIC, the basketball team is about to stomp their 6-foot-something, size 14 sneakers into the Taylor Street bars with plans to creep on your girl. Sorry Comfort Colors, those letters you’re sporting at the bar aren’t going to impress anyone when you’re too short to even be seen on Thursdays. Fortunately for you, the UIC bar scene changes more than the school’s tactics on “igniting” student involvement, so they’ll probably end up at Ten Doors confused and alone.

4.) Complain:

Yeah that ref probably sucked, but your team wasn’t the best anyway. Now that they’re done playing for the year, the basketball team has all the time in the world to complain about how that ball didn’t feel right or how the other team was playing dirty. Anything to cover up their shattered dreams.

3.) Reminiscing over all the UIC Basketball marketing campaigns:

With another season in the books the team will be looking back on yet another year of low attendance and false confidence. With these lows come the highs. Like when their faces were posted all around campus for people tear down, or when the school made cardboard cuts outs of the basketball stars for students to Snapchat and make fun of. No matter what the campaign was, the team will be thinking about how they were almost cool for five minutes.

2.) Hyping up next year:

Sure 2017 (2018?) wasn’t their year, but the basketball team knows next year will be the one. Whenever you ask a player how the season went their response will almost certainly end with, “just wait ‘til next year.” While the next season sounds promising from everyone on the basketball team, attendance will still face the challenge of beating its all-time peak of 73 students at one game.

1.) Watching the tournament and bitching:

UIC’s basketball team will be watching the tournament intently while saying how they could’ve won that game or analyzing why the play ran by UNC was pathetic. The constant bitching is going to be tough to deal with if you happen to be with the team while the game it on. Advice? Order another shot, grab another PBR and let the booze take effect, baby. 

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