You did it again. One too many while out on Taylor and now you’re faced with the walk of shame every UIC student fears — the trudge down Taylor. As if strolling down the busiest street at UIC and ignoring stares from families out to Sunday brunch wasn’t enough to discourage you from ever downing a fifth of liquor again, there’s something else giving you the “disappointed eyes.” The Sears Tower. It’s not mad at you, it’s just disappointed.
6.) A hat over the eyes:
This one’s a classic and a timeless hungover look. There’s no better way to ignore eye contact from the granddaddy of Chicago by throwing the bill of your hat low over your eyes and only looking at the ground ahead of you as you stumble home. You may get hit by traffic crossing Taylor, but you’re so dehydrated and embarrassed by the Hawaiian shirt you wore out for the TX mixer that you really wouldn’t even mind.
5.) Alternate route:
Would it be easiest to walk two blocks straight from Loomis to Racine down Taylor? Yes. Are you a lazy sack of shit? 100 percent. For those of us who are self-conscious about a hunk of metal and glass staring at us and aren’t the laziest, taking an alternate route home from your one-night stand’s house is a great way to stay out of the Sears Tower’s view. Careful though, the Tower’s always peeking up over rooftops to shame you.
4.) Shack ‘til nightfall:
Sure the Sears Tower can look down upon you in shame from pretty much wherever you are, but if you wait until the cool embrace of darkness at 9 p.m. on Taylor avoiding the guilt fueled gaze from the 110-story skyscraper is that much easier. The only twist to this is convincing your hookup to let you linger around until the sun sets. Postmates on you is a good first step – who doesn’t love free Chipotle?
3.) Skrrt off in the Uber:
Yeah you could walk two blocks, but that just sounds fucking terrible. Why not be a hungover pile of shit in one Uber home rather than being one in front of a whole community? The win? As long as you don’t look at it out of the window the Sears Tower can’t judge you. The loss? Well, the stench of alcohol radiating off of you is a lot more concentrated while in a car.
2.) Have pride in your walk of shame:
It can’t be a shameful look if you’re proud of what you did last night. Strut down Taylor with the hickies out and let your disheveled hair flow in the wind. Take pride in your morning breath and pounding headache and flip the script. The Sears Tower won’t know how to react.
1.) Hold eye contact:
Pull the power move of the century, stare that motherfucker down until you unlock your front door, walk in, and peek back out just so that son of a bitch knows who it’s trying to start beef with. 1,450 feet is nothing compared to confidence that’s coming off of you. Strike fear into the heart of this “Willis” Tower and let it know to never give you those eyes again.