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Illinois (Chicago)

Shittier Chipotle Set to Open in UIC’s Inner Circle

The university has announced it will add Moe’s Southwest Grill as the newest addition to UIC’s Inner Circle, part of the school’s “Bring Diarrhea to Campus” year-long initiative.  With the newest restaurant in SCE set to open spring 2018, The Black Sheep reached out to senior and campus food aficionado, Greg Lanice, for his thoughts. 

“It should have been Chipotle,” Lanice disgruntledly told The Black Sheep. “What is this second-rate bullshit?”

With conviction in his voice and reason driving his argument, the senior rambled on about why Moe’s was the wrong choice to fill the shell of the old Wendy’s in the Inner Circle.

“Moe’s seems like a rather subpar replacement to the Wendy’s that blessed our souls until last spring,” Lanice said. “With the powerhouse move of opening Chick-Fil-A and Panda Express last year, this just seems like UIC settled. Bringing in a restaurant with menu items such as The Funk Meister and the Wrong Doug (real items), it really makes it seem like UIC had its hands tied here.”

Given a prime location to fill and a hungry commuter base of students to feed, UIC’s addition of Moe’s came with some speculation.

“It seems like there must have been some higher forces at play here,” Lanice said. “With the opening that UIC had here, I feel like they could’ve gone out and got anyone they wanted to fill that spot, but instead we get fucking Moe’s. Who the hell even is Moe?”

Lanice debated tax cuts, under the table deals, and even blackmail as a reason for UIC to bring Moe’s to campus. 

“I just can’t help to think that some foul play was involved,” Lanice said. “Whether Moe’s had some dirt on UIC or not, I don’t think that there’s any good reason for this shitty, off-brand Chipotle to be on campus. We could at least have gotten a damn Jamba Juice. Having one option that wouldn’t make students shit their pants would be nice.”

Freshmen Lexi McCormick reached out to give her input on the addition of Moe’s Southwest Grill.

“Well, since that space has been open all year I’m just happy they’re finally putting something in that empty space at all,” she said. “It may not be Chipotle, but it’s better than nothing!”

The senior, Lanice, was later seen picketing outside of the future Moe’s sporting a SFLAOTM shirt and hat which he told us stood for “Students For Literally Anything Other Than Moe’s,” a student group he had formed just minutes after speaking with us.


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