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Illinois (Chicago)

FedEx Driver Making A U-Turn Behind The Lib Has No F**king Chill

A quiet and peaceful morning behind UIC’s library was once again interrupted by a large FedEx truck trying to make a u-turn during student rush hour.

Although no one was hurt, many students agreed that the driver had, “absolutely zero fucking chill”.

“While I very much would love to get hit by a large object at some point, I definitely don’t want it to be a FedEx truck while I’m on the way to my 8:00 a.m. French literature midterm,” said Wanda Travers, a junior.

The driver of the truck, who insisted that we call him by his prison name, “Biscuits,” defended his driving.

“At FedEx, we are specifically instructed to only make u-turns in behind the library during high student traffic. We aren’t allowed to do it anywhere else on the planet. I also like doing it because I’m insecure,” said Biscuits.

When asked about how students should react when a FedEx truck comes barreling towards them on their way to BSB, UIC officials instructed students that, “[they] are not responsible for any student blood that might ruin the truck’s paint job.”

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