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Illinois (Chicago)

‘We All Live Here’ Signs Offend Kid Who Actually Lives in Library

Freshman Tyler Kelly, Richard Daley Library resident, fell victim to UIC’s finite amount of housing options while accommodating a growing attendance last fall. With a shortage of rooms, the freshman was forced to live in the library, and does not take kindly to the “We All Live Here” signs.

“They stuck me in the fucking library. I literally live in a private study room,” Kelly said. “I see these signs and just scoff to myself. You all don’t live here. You all have beds. I sleep on a fucking table. It’s honestly offensive that those signs are even hanging around this place.”

In an attempt to make students respect UIC’s library, “We All Live Here” signs have gone up to remind everyone that the whole school uses the library.

Behind one of the signs on Thursday, Kelly came out from under the table he was studying beneath to bitch about UIC kids, a sight incredibly reminiscent of Gollum in The Lord of the Rings franchise.

“These kids make these damn signs like they know what it’s like to live here,” Kelly said. “Sure, you study here for exams and during finals you pull some all-nighters, but you don’t live here.”

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Head of Campus Housing and overall UIC tough guy, Mark Beasley, commented on the situation.

“Kid’s got the whole damn library to himself. He should be grateful that we found space for him,” Beasley said. “‘Boo hoo I don’t have a bed’ — shut up. I slept on solid rock for a year-and-a-half when I backpacked through Nicaragua. This liberal arts major can deal for a couple more weeks.” 

Kelly described his living situation, which is quite different from the typical student’s dorm experience. 

“I shower in the goddamn sink,” Kelly said. “I can’t go to the bathroom without running into a stranger. This take communal bathrooms to a whole other level. You’d think for this they’d throw in a free meal plan or something, but nope. Not even a discount.

“The only good part is that this is incredibly helpful for my GPA. I have a 4.0 and haven’t missed a class. I really didn’t think this would be the ‘college experience’ my dad’s been telling me about, though.”

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