It’s happening again, The Man is coming to steal the name of yet another one of Chicago’s most iconic skyscrapers. The John Hancock Center will soon be renamed as the original name-holders ditch it like the president does to another member of the White House. But, rather than having a new name shoved in their mouths, this time UIC might slap their own label on it.
The Sears Tower and the John Hancock Center share a strong of resemblance. They’re big, they’re black, and they both have a pair of big show-off antennas that make the rest of Chicago’s towers feel insecure. Always inventive, UIC students will likely apply every diminutive in the book to the end of the name of the bigger building. Sears Junior, Sears the Lesser, or even the mildly sacrilegious Lil’ Willy. They all do the job.
5.) “Too Far North”:
Even if they don’t want to admit it, UIC students don’t belong in the ritzy northside neighborhoods. The privilege of going that far north is reserved either for students whose schools make it into March Madness on the back of a nun. To prevent accidental wanderings into the dangerously expensive “Gold Coast,” the center could be turned into a 100-story billboard to remind UIC roamers to turn the Uber around and head back down to Little Italy where they belong.
4.) “The Tower Formerly Known as John Hancock”:
Always on top of the latest trends, UIC students know exactly what to do when a cultural icon is both sick of their old name but also not creative enough to come up with anything better. Adding more words to the front of the label is the best way to make a change that changes nothing at all. “The Tower Formerly Known as John Hancock” will stand as a thousand-foot testament to the UIC’s student body’s prioritization of blind adherence to cultural trends over any semblance of actual creativity.
3.) “The John Hancock Center” *but in cursive:*
As it turns out the building is not named after the Founding Father who slapped his big-ass signature on the Declaration of Independence but, rather after an insurance company named after the Founding Father who slapped his big-ass signature on the Declaration of Independence. Why not skip the middleman and name the building after the Founding Father who slapped his big-ass signature on the Declaration of Independence, and do it in his personal Fuck You King George font?
2.) “Can We Please Get a Downtown Campus?”:
Loyola has one, DePaul has one, lots of colleges have campuses downtown – why can’t UIC have one too? Downtown campuses are an amazing opportunity for students to live in a part of the city which they will never be able to afford later in life. The statistical likelihood that administration would not ignore such an outrageous request submitted in a more mundane fashion is equal to the chance that UIC gets its Wendy’s back. But surely, not even UIC could ignore this plea were printed a thousand-foot high-rise.
1.) Hancock McCock Face:
An ageless classic, the true OG of comedy name giving. An oldie-but-a-goodie template for name generation that has been applied to everything from a ship (unfortunately unsuccessfully), to zoo animals. While none of the concrete abominations UIC calls buildings are worthy of such a moniker, UIC students could surely take advantage of this opportunity to give Chicago its own blank mcblankface idol for all to adore.