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6 Explanations For How The New Dorm on Harrison is Going Up So Fast

By now, most people are bound to have noticed the Harrison dorm is going up stupidly quick. Work on the 10-floor residence hall began back in December and is already up to seven stories. For UIC students who are accustomed for anything larger than a SCE fast food restaurant taking years to complete, the newfound sense of haste can best be described as unsettling. All of this begs the question: How the hell is it going up so fast?

6.) One helluva bonus:
UIC is reportedly dropping a cool $100 million on the new dorms. Which politician they had to blackmail to get their hands on that kind of cash is a question for another day, but it does seem like a lot of money to spend on a single building built on land UIC already owns. The justification for the steep price tag could be to deal out enough dough to unlock some sort of previously dominant turbo mode that slices time-to-completion in half.

5.) Catastrophic corner cutting:
Sacrificing quality to complete an assignment quicker is a common strategy for UIC students. It does not seem to be much of a stretch to believe that UIC construction workers would employ the same plan. Leaving out a load-bearing I-beam here and there is a small price to pay in order to get it finished by midnight. Just remember: When half the thing falls over into the expressway, The Black Sheep told you so.

4.) Intimidation:
Another possibility is that UIC may be threatening the construction workers into picking up the pace. What they are being threatened with, caf food? Backpack speaker sermons? Flames apparel? God only knows. However, UIC’s enforcer may be easier to identify, and currently the prime suspect is the men’s basketball coach (not even the thickest hard hat can withstand that furious, crazy-eyed, gaze). It’s not hard to imagining him pulling a Shining and bashing down your door, saying, “Here’s Stevey!” Surely, that thought is all the motivation most people would need to throw up a mid-rise in six months.

3.) Witchcraft:
Speed of this degree may have a supernatural origin. Has anyone actually seen the construction workers place any of the steel beams or pour any of the concrete? As most people know from watching Harry Potter, wizards can build things much faster than mere muggles. These warlocks may merely masquerade as workers during the day before whipping out their wands when no one is watching and completing in moments what would take others day.

2.) Russian doping:
Construction can be very physically intensive, and there are constraints to how built a worker with limited time and a Planet Fitness membership can get. Steroids are an obvious choice to increase physical performance and reduce construction time. However, if the workers for Chicago’s only public research university are going to pull a Lance Armstrong, then they are going to do it properly. If they are going in on the roids, then they are going full Russian-Olympic-team in. Fortunately for our juiced up Vlads, there isn’t an anti-construction doping organization to crash the party; God forbid some self-righteous fair-play committee comes and disqualifies the building.

1.) GTFO:
Perhaps the most likely theory is that the construction workers share the same mindset as many UIC students: Get in, and then get out as quickly as possible. The quicker they get the walls up, the quicker they will block themselves from accidently glancing at UIC’s hideousness.

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