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Illinois (Chicago)

New UIC College Of Engineering Building To Feature Number-Free Safe Space

The UIC College of Engineering is taking action in the form of a new safe space to support an increasing number of students who claim to have mortal fears of numbers. Brought on by past pre-calculus and linear algebra courses, these students may suffer from seizures or bouts of hysteria when exposed to numbers too large or complex for them to count on their fingers.

“Previously when our students couldn’t take it anymore they ran outside screaming,” says Sue Parker, Assistant Director for the College of Engineering. “It was distressing to the rest of the student body and really hurt admissions. We hope this new safe space will help us contain the hysteria.”

The new safe space is designed to be insular and soothing with walls that are both soundproof (to cover up any screaming) and padded. Students will be asked to leave anything with a number on it outside so as not to offend their fellow classmates who may have been victimized by integers.

“We want the students to be able to let it all out,” says Adi Hadi, the building’s architect. “If they need to scream in there, they can scream. If they need to punch the walls, they can punch the walls. If they need to blow off some steam by having a gladiatorial-battle-royale-death-tournament, the blood should wash off pretty easily.”

The College of Engineering also announced plans to offer number-free math courses for victims of attacks by calculus or linear algebra. Rather than with written numbers, all the mathematics in the courses will be done through sketches of colorful fruit, which the College of Engineering assures us are “non-threatening.”

 

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