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6 Questions UIC Students Would Ask God

Last week, a student organization handed out a flyer asking students what they would ask the man upstairs if given the opportunity. While anyone would jump at the opportunity to unlock the secrets of the universe with just a few questions, UIC students in particular would be incredibly interested in an explanation for some of the weird stuff that goes on throughout our beloved campus. So without further ado, here are the six questions UIC students would ask God.

6.) Whose idea was it to put all of the workout equipment on the top floor of the gym?:
The recreational facilities are almost some of the best buildings on campus. We say “almost” because they would be damn near perfect if it wasn’t for all of those STAIRS. Yes, we do expect to get tired at the gym, but there’s a difference between getting tired and dying from stairs. There is an elevator, but not even an act of God would save you from looking like a pansy for using it.

5.) Why can’t I afford any of the other Chicago schools?:
While UIC isn’t all that bad, it would have been nice to have, you know, options? It seems like UIC is the only option for those who aren’t trying to drown in debt right out of college, which is a bit of a bummer. It’d be nice to be able to pick and choose from the wide variety of schools located in the city without having to sell our own body parts. Don’t give us that “you can afford it through scholarships” nonsense both because A.) they don’t help, and B.) we’re too lazy to write the essay for them. Maybe some fancy accounting from “the Big G” could help to solve this issue.

4.) Why is SCE Café closed from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. on weekdays?:
Ok, so we fully understand why they do this—it’s so that they can prepare the late night sadness meal for all of the traumatized freshman coming home from the shady parties they thought they could handle. Still, it’s a bit obnoxious considering the fact that a nice 8 o’clock dinner is the perfect way to end an evening workout.  Couldn’t they just stay open and make the food at the same time? Can’t they multitask? Riddle us that, God.

3.) Is this guy on the Blue Line staring at me? (And if so, can he not?):
You’ve been on the Blue Line for about 20 minutes now, and this guy has not taken his eyes off of you at all. It wouldn’t be a big deal if he were some dashing and quirky Chris Pratt-type, but judging by that face tattoo, filthy leather jacket, and all those knives, it seems like this fella isn’t exactly interested in a conversation. Now that you’re certain that he’s planning on selling your organs to the Peruvian mafia all you can do now to try and save yourself is tilt your head up to the sky and ask the big man upstairs to lose interest in you, or at least deliver a well-placed lightning bolt.

2.) Where did this stain come from?:
First spotted on a peaceful Friday morning in the Commons West hallway, the mystery stain has been chilling unchallenged for the past few months. There are many theories about what it could be made of, but the one thing everyone agrees on is the fact that it is here to stay, and not even divine intervention can get rid of it. At this point, all of the students living in Commons West want is some closure.

1.) Why a Moe’s?:
It could have been a Chipotle, or another Wendy’s, or hell… even a Potbelly. But no, it’s a Moe’s. God-Damn Moe’s. So much potential now lost forever, replaced by a poor man’s Chili’s. Why God? Why are you punishing us?



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