So you’ve finally made it through your first/another year at UIC. Congratulations — you’ve done something that thousands of people have already done. You’ve grown so much (or so little) since you first stepped back on to campus in January for your second semester at UIC, so let’s take a look at the top five things that helped to make that happen.
5.) You finally mastered the Blue Line:
Finally! After nearly a year of being scared to even step onto the train, you have finally mastered the no-man’s-land that is Chicago public transportation. It makes you feel like you’ve become a true Chicagoan, and you constantly brag about how you only get lost four or five times a week instead of the usual ten to twelve. Sure, you still wet yourself whenever the scary one-armed guy in the other seat starts sharpening his knives right in front of you, but at least now you know which stop will keep him the farthest distance from your wallet.
4.) You went on about half a million Tinder dates:
You aren’t a real UIC student if you haven’t gone on a Tinder date with at least one person from all of the other, better schools in the city. Whether it was attending one of Sister Jean’s famous kickboxing matches with that Loyola girl, or huffing paint thinner with that guy from Columbia, you’ve spread you’re seed to just about every campus within the city limits. While the dates themselves were all very different, all of them ended with the same question: “So how did you get into the University of Chicago?”
3.) We fought R. Kelly and won:
UIC gained media attention a few weeks back when a student petition helped to convince the school’s administration to can singer R. Kelly from a school concert due to his history of sexual abuse scandals. When your cool senior friend asked you to sign the petition, you didn’t hesitate for a single second, but while you do support the cause, you weren’t exactly being truthful when you said you hated R. Kelly…or at least not if that giant poster of him in your dorm has anything to say about it.
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2.) Your dorm air conditioning was never fixed:
While chilling in your nice and temperate dorm one Saturday afternoon, your dorm air conditioner stopped working. That was two months ago. Now you’re room is at the mercy of the elements, and you’re too willing to risk your food and weed budget on buying a fan.
1.) A guy tried to smack it in the library:
If your pre-college life had taught you anything, it’s that masturbation and public spaces don’t really mix, especially if those public spaces are libraries. Those unrealistic expectations were easily swept away when you received that infamous school safety alert email on that fateful night. This really messed with you, because if one guy was already caught doing the nasty with himself only a little over halfway into your freshman year, who knows what the rest of college will hold.
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