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Illinois (Chicago)

Senior Barred From Graduation For Not Scheduling Mandatory First-Year Advising

Spirits are high on the UIC campus as this year’s senior class prepares for graduation season, and senior Marty Banks believed that he would be part of that. That is, until he got an automated message from the UIC guidance office on Wednesday morning notifying Banks he was one senior barred from graduation next month. 

“I was actually just about to order my graduation gown,” said a flustered and depressed looking Banks. “But then I got this weird email from the guidance office saying that I had not yet scheduled my MFA (mandatory first-year advising).

“I asked if they could just ignore it since I had not only already finished my double major and triple minor and had one of the highest GPAs in UIC history,” Banks said. “But all they sent me back was an email that just said ‘Sorry loser.’”

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“I don’t know what to tell him,” said Moira Perkins, head of UIC advising. “If he really is that smart, than why didn’t he listen to the billion different times we told him to schedule the MFA?”

Having never dealt with this kind of situation, the UIC advising department wasn’t sure how to proceed. When Banks asked again about how they would handle the situation the department simply replied with an Bitmoji of a cat hanging on a tree branch with a caption that read, “Hang in there.”

“I had to cancel on buying a house, push back my wedding, and quit my new job all because I need to stay on for one more semester so that I can have my MFA. I am absolutely livid at how this school has treated me,” Banks said.

“Whiny little bitch,” Perkins said.

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