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Illinois (Chicago)

Student Gearing Up For Activist Season Practices Saying ‘No’

As the weather heats up so does the intensity of people trying to hand you random shit in all around campus. The Black Sheep caught up with Junior Richard Thick at the Rec as he was in the mirror taking practice reps for the upcoming activist avoiding season.

“No. NO. Nooooooo,” Thick said. “How are those? You like those? Right now I’m focusing on different ways of telling these guys I don’t want their pamphlet or buttons.”

Thick described the fluctuation of activists on UIC’s campus throughout the seasons.

“You know, they come and they go. In the fall, they’re out to cuck all the wide-eyed freshmen, then they go down into their caves during the winter and rest,” Thick explained. “Once the sun starts to warm their skin and revitalize them, they come back out in full force to suckle at the teet of miserable undergrads.”

Among his different tones of “no,” Thick also has also been rehearsing other methods of turning people down. Looking at us out of the corner of his eye and swiftly putting a hand up as he walked by, he asked us for our opinion.

“You like that one? That’s when I have headphones in and I don’t want to talk. It makes me feel edgy.”

Among his strategies, Thick put one above all.

“Honestly the best one is just to act like they aren’t there. Just like every other problem in your life –ignore it until you literally can’t anymore. I like to put my hood up, put headphones in, and just walk right on by.”

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Local activist for The Coalition of Vegetable Rights, Jessie Saunders spoke on the situation, “I guess we could rethink our approach, but I really thought that screaming out of a giant speaker backpack about all the atrocities that vegetables have gone through in the past would really spark interest from the student body.” The TCVR member said.

“Honestly, I’m just here to get in, get attendance points, and get out. I don’t care about all the extra shit of campus life. Half the time I’m hungover while I walk around this miserable place. I don’t need some lady dressed as a carrot screaming at me.” Thick complained.

With temperatures expected to stay warm, flocks of activists are expected to converge on UIC’s campus to inform students on things they don’t care about. UIC’s advises all students to stay aware while walking through the Quad and will be giving out faux headphones to divert activists from passerbyers.

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