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Gnarly, Bro: UIC Cutting Gymnastics A Major Step Toward Getting Quad Skaters Varsity Status

The UIC gymnastics team will be disbanded at the end of the 2018-19 season, the most recent news shocking the world of UIC sports. With UIC cutting gymnastics, no group of individuals is better poised to seize this opportunity than the Quad Skaters.

The Quad Skaters, who are perhaps best known for their extensive collection of beanies as well as never actually landing a trick, have long been a staple of the UIC campus. While to many they are nothing more than a navigational hazard, this new opportunity has a chance for the skaters to reinvent their relationship with the student body.

However, the skater’s reception to the new plan has been mixed.

“Nah, I don’t actually even go to UIC,” says Quad Skater, Seth Baker. “They just have the best concrete around. Would I go to UIC if they offered me a full-ride? Hard to say. On the one side, it’s a full-ride, but on the other I already spend all day watching these depressed-looking motherfuckers mope around. Do I really need that in my life?”

Baker was however brimming with confidence that he had what it takes to be a UIC varsity athlete.

“Yeah I’d definitely be able to make the team,” Baker said. “The variety of swear words I use after not landing a kickflip is head and shoulders above anything anyone else here brings to the table.”

Student reactions to the possibility of a varsity skateboard team have generally positive.

“Yeah I’m psyched!” says sophomore, Gabriel Gnarby. “I always watch those bros falling on their asses. This isn’t the sports team UIC needs, but it is definitely the one it deserves!”

Next on the agenda for school administration is finding a place on campus to put a half-pipe along with negotiating a national TV contract. 

Great things are coming to UIC!

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