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Illinois (Chicago)

UIC Frat Guy Tired of Man-Flirting During Spring Rush

Mike Hanson of Pi Sigma Ro at UIC has spent the last week engrossed in spring rush. Hanson and his boys have been busy persuading wide-eyed freshmen to join their fraternity, which they claim isn’t just a drinking club.

“I’ve been talking to these weenies all week. I’m tired of acting like I’m interested in their Yu-Gi-Oh collection or how they really value academics. You’re a fucking nerd.”

Hanson went on to explain his feelings towards rush a bit further, “spring rush at UIC is practically a waste of time. Like 20 kids come out, 17 of which are complete boners, and I have to be here 5 days a week to get to know these damn mouthbreathers.”

Hanson did mention the light at the end of the tunnel, “I need to get out of SCE Tower, this place is like 90 degrees at all times and smells like ass. Friday is looking better and better. I can’t wait to stop having to be presentable and respectable. It’ll be a good to crack a PBR with the 3 new guys we get.” 

Days later, though, Hanson’s opinion had changed:

“I mean I liked a couple of the dudes who came out. I’d seen some of them out at 10 Doors before, but they were fucking losers then. Now that they’re trying to get into Greek life they’re actually kinda sick,” The Pi Sig said. “One of them told me that they wanna meet girls and crush beers and I think he’s going to be my little bro… once he’s actually cool and not a pussy-ass pledge.”

Freshman, Rodney Mikes, caught up with The Black Sheep after the third day of recruitment.

“This shit is so boring. I can only watch so many videos of these guys shotgunning beer and talking to girls,” Mikes said, “I think most of this garbage is stock footage too. Where do these kids even party like that… it’s UIC. No apartments in Little Italy have pools and palm trees.” 

Hanson dropped some insight before leaving to go to yet another rush event.

 “Lying is part of the job. You have to convince these guys that your org is the best. If we have to say that we have a sick house and a ton of girls around all the time then so be it. If we have to tell them that Elon Musk is an alum, then it’s just a part of the game.”

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