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Illinois (Chicago)

UIC Freshman Melts to Death in Courtyard Residence Hall

After a night out on Saturday, January 20th, UIC freshman Wendy Michaels woke up to her roommate’s empty bed. Typically seeing a lump of a hungover mess every Sunday morning, Michaels was confused to see her friend gone.

“At first I thought that she could’ve gone home with a guy or that she left early to go to the gym. Then I remembered that we hate every guy at this school and that we’re both lazy, unmotivated pieces of shit so I didn’t really know where she could have been.”

Upon closer look, Michaels was horrified to learn the truth of where her roommate went.

“It was disgusting. I walked over and found her bed all full of this goo,” Michaels explained, “When I poked it I saw two eyes float past and blink. When I asked her what happened and eventually found her mouth in the pile of liquid she told me that she had melted.”

UIC officials confirmed on Sunday that Robin Sanders had melted in her sleep.

“They told us that they didn’t know what happened, but I think that it was from the heating in this damn building.”

Every winter UIC shuts off all air conditioning in the dorms and only allows the heat to run.

“Ever since it’s been cold, everyone in the dorm has been complaining about how hot it is. If we want to cool off we need to open our windows to the frigid cold,” Michaels complained, “It’s either hot as hell or cold as fuck. There’s no in between.”

UIC freshman and pajama pants aficionado, Grant Hide, commented on the situation.

“I could definitely see how the heating system did this,” Hide told The Black Sheep, “The other night I started to feel my leg soften up and had to stick it out of my window to get it back solid. I emailed the head of Courtyard and UIC administration about it and they simply ignored it. I think they care more about the money they spend on heating and air then the physical state of their students. With the risk of melting on my mind I haven’t even been able to wear these sick new ‘jamas to sleep lately. It’s a real bummer.”

Michaels updated The Black Sheep on her roommate’s current status.

“Right now we have her in a meat freezer in a mold of her body. Hopefully everything gets figured out soon, but UIC should really give us some answers. We don’t pay ten grand a year for housing to end up like a puddle… you’d think our money would prevent this.”

UIC declined to comment on the cause of the melted freshman.



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