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Illinois (Chicago)

UIC Library Cop Basks in Vape Clouds Atop Mountain of Confiscated JUULS

Richard J. Daley Library security guard, Larry Hawkins, has gone from security drone to security bro. Hawkins, who patrols the 2nd floor of the library, has managed to deprive UIC students of their nicotine dependency while completely kicking smoking due to his new collections of confiscated JUUL e-cigarettes.

“Let me tell you man, for being in college these kids are dumb as hell,” Hawkins said. “Why the hell would smoking this shit in the library be okay? Like, I don’t give a fuck, but the people that pay do, so I’ve just been on the lookout for puffs of smoke so I can take this shit.”

Not entirely sure of what the JUUL phenomena is all about, Hawkins originally mistook his plethora of JUULs for something else, “I thought these were for weed when I first started taking them. I was very disappointed,” Hawkins confessed with vape descending from his nose.

In his late 30s, Hawkins is finally coming around to the idea of vaping. “I’ve smoked cigarettes for 20 years. After all these things I’ve taken, I’m never buying a pack again,” he said blowing a smoke ring and pointing to it.

Staring at the mountainous pile behind him, Hawkins tried to estimate just how many JUULs he had:

“I probably got around 120. I’ve taken these things from the same people over 3 times. These dumbass kids just keep smoking like this isn’t a university building. Whatever man, more for me,” Hawkins told The Black Sheep. “I don’t even have a charger for any of these so if they all run out I just have to take another one.”

Disgruntled students began to speak out against what they deem an injustice.

“It’s a public university… if I can hit my JUUL in public I see no issue with rippin JUULia in the Lib. This so-called ‘library cop’ has nothing better to do than patrol the 2nd floor and look for us students vaping up. Stop a real crime!” exclaimed sophomore Ben Rindersen.

Rummaging through his mountain of JUULs and loose pods, Hawkins found a hidden treasure.

“This one isn’t like the rest. This one looks different. This one smells like weed.”

Upon finding a dab pen in his pile of JUULs, Hawkins was no longer able to comment on his policing methods.

 

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