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Illinois (Chicago)

UIC Spawning Sparky Replacement In I-294 Breeding Pit

Recent announcements from the UIC athletic department have confirmed that the university is moving forward with plans to replace long-time school mascot Sparky with a monster the school has been growing in I-294 construction near the UIC-Halsted station. 

Sparky, the friendly red dragon, is perhaps best known as one of the few individuals to actually attend school sporting events. However, UIC employees have insisted replacing Sparky may bring a badly-needed boost to school athletic programs.

“Sparky is alright and all, but there is just something missing,” says Bill Burner, mascot coach for the school. “To be honest, most of the university teams are pretty meh so we wanted the new mascot to give some extra oompf! That’s why we are replacing Sparky with something a bit more abominable.”

However, it has been this extra “oompf” that has been the most controversial element of Sparky’s replacement. Rather than go with some weird guy in a corny looking costume, the athletic department has opted to create an entirely new species through a revolutionary combination of genetic engineering and witchcraft.

The end result appears to be a man-sized reptilian mutant which is currently maturing in a pit of mud and unknown chemicals on the side of I-294 near the UIC-Halsted station.

Furthering the controversy is the fact that students were not asked whether or not they wanted to replace Sparky. Burner had this to add when asked about the lack of student participation in the decision-making process.

“Well yes and no,” Burner said. “Did we consult the student body as a whole? Nope, we don’t really give a shit. But we have worked closely with a number of biology students when we designed the new mascots genetic make-up. In fact, it was their idea to start with splicing the DNA from a Komodo dragon with an Anglerfish.”

The multi-department team responsible for the new mascots genetic design and creation estimates that creature will be fully mature and ready to do backflips at basketball games by early October.

In the meantime, the university recommends avoiding the UIC-Halsted stop, especially after dark, as they are unsure if it will attempt to consume humans. They did however, assure us that the new mascot is “lethal as hell” and “born to kill.”

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