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Every Penny Counts: UIC Student Athlete Confirms That He Will Never Have To Buy Clothes Again, As Long As It’s Plastered With The UIC Flames Logo

Late Wednesday morning, UIC student athlete, James García, was suddenly struck by the realization that he would never have to buy another item of clothing again, as long as it’s Flames-embroidered and has UIC plastered all over it. 

The thought dawned on García as he dug through several thousands of pairs of Flames embroidered shorts, T-shirts, hoodies, jackets, sweatpants, and socks in a vain attempt to excavate himself from his JST dorm room.

“You know they just kept giving me more stuff,” said García, who currently remains buried under several hundred pounds of sweatpants. “And I don’t know if it ever really hit me how much Flames stuff I really had until my room began running out of oxygen. That’s the moment when I thought, hey, maybe I don’t ever need to get any more clothes.”

García diligently confirmed his initial suspicions with a clever bit of arithmetic. He began with some quick online research to find how many years he had left to go and then combined that with an estimation of how many items of clothes he had based on the volume they were taking up.

All of this led to him confirming that he had enough outfits to wear every day for the next 146 years, which greatly exceeds the 23 years deathclock.com says he has left.

García admits that continuing to wear only Flames apparel for the rest of his life may seem like an unusual choice but he believes there are many personal and financial advantages.

“I can’t actually remember the last time I wore something that wasn’t reping the Flames so it’s pretty relieving that I won’t have to learn how button a shirt ever again,” García said. 

García does not foresee any major issues with his planned wardrobe as long as he sticks on his intended gym teacher career path and stands in a dark corner at any future formal events. He notes that all his waist bands being elastic will be a major asset when he begins to grow his beer gut out in his early forties.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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