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5 Things University Hall Would Crush If Somebody Tipped It Over

Like a mighty concrete giant, University Hall has served as one of UIC’s premier landmarks for as long as the campus has been around. It truly is the heart and soul of the campus, and we as a UIC community would feel utterly lost without its godlike visage watching over us. We love University Hall, and it loves us back. With all that in mind, here are the top six things that would be crushed if we tipped that 338-foot-tall suck-a-duck over.

5.) Jefferson Hall:

Home to your 10 a.m. anthropology discussion, you’ve always had a special distaste for Jefferson Hall. So deep is your hatred of that class that you often fantasize about what would happen if several hundred tons of concrete fell on top of it. Well today is your lucky day, because it appears a strong breeze has done just that. Now that the building has been ground to dust, it looks like you just got an extension on that ancient Mesopotamian pottery presentation.  

4.) The hot chocolate stand:
The hot chocolate stand that often appeared in the Saint Morgan Street cul-de-sac on the way to BSB would be all but obliterated in the blink of an eye if UH were ever given a nice and hard push in its direction. While most buildings would have at least some of their foundations intact, the hot chocolate stand would not only be crushed–it would be wiped off of the face of the earth.

3.) Bob Stevenson:
Sophomore economics major Bob Stevenson would be no much against the business end of the tallest building on campus. In fact, we’d hesitate to say if there would be anything left of Bob if UH decided to pull a surprise trust fall on him. It’d be a shame, too, because the man really does know his Lord of the Rings trivia.

2.) The Behavioral Sciences Building:

While it would put a bit of a fight, BSB would be all but annihilated if something or someone sent the full might of University Hall in its direction. While ultimately tragic, students would silently rejoice as two of campus’s most obnoxious buildings would be eliminated in the space of a few seconds. Ironically, the smoking pile of rubble that BSB would become would actually be a very nice visual improvement.

1.) You:
The people who work inside of UH are already figuratively crushing you to death, so why not just cut out the middleman and have UH itself literally crush you to death? Most UIC students would rather be crushed by the building itself than meet with anyone who works inside of it. What a fun way that would be to round out your UIC career!

Now that you’ve learned the catastrophic possibilities of an accidental tip of UH, maybe you can appreciate the 28-story building for all its glory… or at least visualize how nice campus would look without it.

 

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