Ever wondered what is would be like to fight a student from any Chicago school? Here at The Black Sheep, we took the liberty of compiling the best ways to feed off ravenous city college students. Tired of having that one weird international student from UIC blowing up your DMs? Not sure how to tell the photography major from Columbia how to fuck off and stop asking you to be the muse for his next photoshoot? Here’s an ultimate guide to kick some underclass ass.
UIC students are known to be pretty radical. If there is one student body that would drive out politicians, it’s at UIC. Just start spitting out some extremist bullshit and watch students pile in to give you the ultimate liberal lay down. UIC is a big commuter school, and, so a majority of students travel around the Chicagoland area to get to class, taking a UIC student’s Ventra card away will lower their already-weak motivation to go to class.
Two words: Sister Jean. Although she may seem like a sweet and innocent old lady on the outside, she’s fiery on the outside. Sister Jean acts as the backbone for Loyola — if any of the Loyola students were to have any sort backbone that is. As she ages like fine wine, the time she has left on Earth is probably around 20 minutes. Without Sister Jean, Loyola is powerless.
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UChicago, AKA “the place where fun comes to die.” UC students are prized in being so freaking boring, they could actually bore you to death. And if one isn’t bad enough, get together just enough UC students and they will form into a intellectual ball of destruction. UChicago students are known to be some of the most stuck-up nerds in the city. Their heads are so far up their asses that they can physically fight, but they’ll just verbally attack your intellect, which still hurts nonetheless.
When battling a Columbia College yuppie, always keep an eye out for their pretentious, artistic abilities. Cross a Columbia student and they are sure to bite your head off, spit it out, and call it art. Fighting off hipsters is never easy, their edge is just so hard to breakthrough. However, all art students have one weakness, and it’s their ego. All you gotta do is tell them their art sucks.
They have God on their side, and he’s pissed off. While they don’t have as much money as UChicago, they still have tons of it. Let’s face it, DePaul students are soft. They aren’t even equipped with the common sense that other city college students have. Nestled safely in Lincoln Park, DePaul students mainly use the Brown Line, so they aren’t used to having to deal with the average crackhead you’d see on the on the Blue Line or the screaming homeless person on the Red Line.
With this insider knowledge we hope you have the best of luck when you get in the ring with anyone from these schools in Chicago. Remember to fight responsibly and make sure you ask where the person you’re about to throw hands with attends school first. If they don’t go to any of these schools? Well, then you’re just shit out of luck.
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