Ah, Daddios, the place where girls with daddy issues and future problemed fathers frequent enough to mingle together into one sweaty humping mass. But hey, at least the drinks can be almost as cheap as G-Spot condoms you brought with you. If you enter, you’re eventually going to need to get across the huddled drunk mass of humanity, so here are 5 ways to push through that Daddios clusterfuck:
5.) The probing noodle arm:
A time tested move that goes back to ISU’s ancient roots in rural noodle fishing. Take that noodle you call an arm and thrust it out there like you are revving a big red truck down College Avenue, except in your case your noodle is bigger than their’s. Probe that noodle between people like a student health check up and they are sure to part ways with enough probing.
4.) Classic girl arm chain:
What is more classic than a sorority girl squat and a smile that says “TOUCH MY MAN AND I WILL CUT YOU, BECKY”, well it is the gal’s arm chain. Just link up your arms by the elbows and hold for dear life as the strongest girl plows forward to receive the brunt of the disgruntled looks, groping, and checking out. Make sure you do a headcount afterwords. A comrade lost to the Daddios crowd is as good as wasted.
3.) Spit-take puke fake:
It’s simple, you order a water (or some other equally cheap drink), and stumble forward in your best impression of a drunk Reggie. Gulp a mouthful of you drink and let it slip out of your mouth as you dry heave onto the floor. Even the drunkest and horniest of Daddios denizens don’t want to get fucking puked on.
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2.) The hip slider:
One of the more dangerous methods of getting across the living heater that is Daddios. It’s likely to get you punched, shoved, or shot dirty looks in the way that won’t make your horny self happy (unless you’re into that shit). Find a pair of hips, grab them from behind, and slide yourself through. If you do it right you’ll be in and out quicker than President Dietz gets himself into problematic university conflicts. If you do it wrong you’re going to have to get used to how the floor of Daddios tastes.
1.) Shout, “THE POLICE ARE OUTSIDE”:
Another risky strategy. It’s more likely to cause a stampede than clear a path, so use only in the most desperate of times. The people too drunk to realize they aren’t in trouble will immediately want to vacate the grimy dance floor. If you can stand against that toilet bowl flow coming in your direction then you’ll have complete freedom of movement across the entire bar!
With these 5 travel strategies to navigate across the trashy sea of Daddios, you’ll be swimming in all the cheap booze and sleazy people your heart could ever desire. So get out there and part the red sea like only a Redbird can do.
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