Well, fuck. Winter is here. We thought we could end this semester without any snow, but nope, Mother Nature threw up a big ol’ middle finger and blizzed all over campus. Perfect timing too, since it’s the point of the semester when we all need to actually go to Milner and somehow make up a semester’s worth of skipped classes and not-quite alcoholism. So, you’re probably thinking, “Well I guess I’ll just fail all of my finals, it’s too cold.” Don’t fear Redbirds, because here are a few ways you can avoid winter’s brutal temperatures.
5.) Hop in Your Roommate’s Backpack:
First of all, if you call it a tote bag, fuck you. Secondly, it’s easy and effective. All you have to do is make a shrink ray, shrink yourself down, and hop into the backpack of that one roommate who just happens to have a in Fell class at the same time as you. Once you get to his class, build a growth ray and grow yourself back to normal size. It’s a win-win. You completely avoid the cold, and you’ll probably get some sort of Nobel Peace Prize for inventing a shrink/growth ray.
4.) Steal a University Vehicle:
For those of you that have a car but don’t want to pay a million dollars for parking anywhere near campus, this is for you. For those of you that have a car and actually bought permits, HAHAHA you’re a nerd. Any who, just learn how to break into cars, and then drive to class worry-free about parking. You don’t even have to stop to get out if you don’t want to. Just barrel roll out of the car when you get to your class, ‘cause who cares? It’s not your car.
3.) ISU’s Secret Tunnels:
Have you ever seen those oddly placed concrete squares with the iron hatches on the top all over ISU? Rumor has it that all of those connect through some sort of tunnel system. Shit you not, if you open one, you’ll find a light switch and a door down there. There are probably some crazy Illinois State secrets that you could discover as well, but for the sake of this article, let’s just imagine it as a warm, cozy tunnel that connects all of ISU, and not some sort of dungeon for students who hand their savings over to Larry Dietz.
2.) Become Reggie Redbird:
Imagine how fucking warm it is inside of that mascot costume. And, guys, imagine the ladies you’ll score. That thing is a vagina magnet. #BANGIN4DAYZ
1.) Be Drunk, Like, All the Time:
Beer jackets are a real thing, folks. Not to endorse drinking before class, but you should definitely drink before class. You won’t feel cold, and you can probably get that sleep that you so desperately need. That being said, here’s a little PSA: your body is still actually freezing to death even though you don’t feel it. You could always just buy an actual Alamo and stuff it with beer, which would work just as well.
Anyone gonna’ try any of these out? Personally, we’ll be doing all of them. At the same. damn. time.