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6 Excuses to Give Heartland Blood Center When They Ask to Steal Your Blood

There’s one thing that hospitals always need, and that’s the healthy blood of us youths. Giving blood is great, and you should give it as often as you can, but like, fuck that. That’s your blood. Many Redbirds can tell you about the unending stream of phone calls and texts you’ll receive asking for your human juices after donating just once to any blood drive. Here are seven excuses that Redbirds can give to the Heartland Blood Center so you can keep what’s yours:

6.) You drank a lot of beers. Like, A LOT:
Let’s face it, your liver is screaming in enough pain as it is. Take away what little blood you didn’t happen to lose from your drunken stumbles outside Daddios and your BAC will end up being more booze than blood. You wouldn’t want anybody with your blood and catch your hangover, or alcoholism.

5.) You’re only really doing it to cash in some extra credit:
If you can be honest about only donating so you can get the extra credit you need to get out of Schroeder lecture halls once and for all, then maybe you can honestly get them to take you off of their call list. If only being a good person came with a grade point average.

4.) You’re too poor:
Tuition at ISU isn’t cheap. Somebody has to pay for that renovation for The Bone that’s totally necessary. In the wake of all of your debt you might be a bit light on the essentials, and rather than donating you’re trying to sell, sell, SELL. If someone on Craigslist is willing to buy your blood, hey that’s creepy, but at least you’re getting paid.

3.) Ironically, you’re lacking iron:
We ISU students can be an ironic bunch. But what happens when your irony has too little iron? In your blood. If you’re not eating your weight in spinach, Heartland Blood will volunteer to transfuse blood directly into you after hearing how low your iron count is. It’s a one way street to becoming the vampire middle school you always wanted to be.

2.) You’ve spent too much time at Graphic Flesh this weekend:
For when they tell you to sober up and donate blood tomorrow you drop this bomb on them. While you were insanely drunk at Pub Wednesday you also decided to get this insane tattoo from Graphic Flesh. That should give you a good excuse to keep them away from your blood for at least the next six months. A fish on your ass? Totally worth keeping your blood where it belongs.

1.) You’re too busy, or to lazy to care:
These are trying times, and it can be hard to make time to donate blood, do laundry, or even leave your dorm in Watty. If you won’t make time to work on yourself, how can you be expected to give literal ounces of yourself away for free?

Next time Heartland Blood Center finds themselves in your DMs, or calls you in the middle of class, your brain full of life giving blood will have these excuses to pull from to rationalize its lack of kindness. You at least had the decency to be a human juice box once, but you’re definitely not doing that again. 

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