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6 Fresh Hells for Freshmen to Discover on ISU’s Campus

Look at that. You’re finally in college and no longer sitting at the loser’s table at your old high school. After months of deliberation and the sad realization that you can’t afford to go anywhere else, you decided to be a Redbird. Welcome to Illinois State University, your home for the next four years. Buckle up, Buttercup cause sometimes things ain’t so sweet.

 6.) The Weather:
Sure, most of us are already from somewhere in Illinois, so we know just how shitty Mother Nature can be. But ISU is on another level. It could be 267 degrees on your walk to class and -415 degrees on your walk back. We’ve all come to the conclusion that we are in fact located in God’s very own “go fuck yourself” weather zone.

5.) Schroeder Hall 138:
Firstly, this classroom is built for roughly 200 people, yet every class in it has no less than 6,000 students. Secondly, the rows of chairs are so close together that if you’re over 5’8 you’ll be chewing on your kneecaps the entire class. Not an exaggeration. And lastly, this room lets out some sort of pheromone that attracts ISU’s shittiest professors. It would honestly be more enjoyable to take a class inside of an active volcano.

4.) Go.illinoisstate.edu:
A new addition to ISU’s repertoire of shit-ass websites, this particular website has miraculously managed to become less popular with the students of ISU than our infamously awful, Reggienet. While picking classes was already a difficult process on the old website, the new one has made it virtually impossible. Want to take PSY 231? Well fuck you, pal. Better luck next semester.

3.) Watterson Towers:
Watterson Towers is one of the main attractions for incoming freshmen. How cool is it to live with 2,500 other horny and drunk eighteen year-olds? In theory, it’s a cool idea. However, after about two weeks of showering in someone else’s piss and hearing “Panda” 83 times in one night, it kind of loses its luster. It also isn’t any fun when random fire alarms have everyone creeping down 25 flights of stairs at the pace of an elderly woman.

2.) The Religious Zealots that Preach on the Quad:
These yahoos are a real treat. Want to see a good show? Head to the quad, sit back and watch other college kids argue with these guys. Now we all enjoy hearing how much we sinners deserve to go to hell once in a while, but it gets old fast. Sure, you might be able to get some funny Snapchats of an old man telling some girl, “You’re still going to hell because you’re a vagina licker,” but is this really how we want to represent our university? Don’t give them the time of day, folks. 

1.) Leaving:
As many of us creep up on our last year of attending college, it begins to dawn on us that we’ll never be coming back to this place. Yes, it has some shitty people and we’re already drowning in debt so we could come here, but it’s better than coming to the realization that we’re going to have to start adulting pretty soon. None of us want to move back in with mommy and daddy, and none of us want to start working a 9-5 job and start scratching away at our student loans.

For all of its awful things, ISU is actually a pretty groovy place. And, ya know, at least we don’t go to U of I.

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